Sulphur

I am plagued with an uncomfortable tickle in my throat, a scratch of sand paper. I leak phlegm and reek of medicine. I feel gross and contagious and viral. Pains in the bottom of my right heel; like the time I stepped on a needle when I was 5. Ballooning with gas and feeling internally rotten, looking externally equally as rotten. Bathe in mustard and drink pure garlic. I need to be cleansed. Why don't i believe in God? How does that happen? I loved Jesus once. I was his lamb, his gospel verse, his tulip in March. Now I'm old and going through second puberty and feeling lost. I'm sick and I don't believe in God and I'm like the poster child for what happens to people who don't BELIEVE. I'm not afraid. I feel as though no sacrilege has been commited. I think that my truth has always been surrounded by nature and God just seemed like a shorter name for it. I don't need to bloviate upon religion because there is enough of that already. I just think that there is no control at all. We really are dust upon nature's coffee table. Sometimes we get wiped off right away and replaced by other dust and sometimes we just sit there...nature decided to take a break. I don't know. What I do know is that I can't keep living my life this way. I need to find a more stable existence to take rest with and rejoice and not continue my shaking carnival fun house. I feel as though I could cough up a hairball of crap. Maybe that would heal me. 

The best sex dream I've had all week

We are at a pool...one of those large, outdoor swimming pools in a resort-style hotel. We didn't come together, I just happen to be there and so did you. I'm talking to a guy and we take a dip and you are watching seemingly uninterested (but why would you be watching then?). The other guy gets up to go and I swim around a bit and you decide to join me. There is no one left in the pool now save for a few people sunbathing on the deck chairs. You swim over to me and we hold eachother, touch eachother. All of a sudden we are in a large bathtub in a grotto-like room. You are naked and in the tub and I am angling my body in next to you. I feel so close to you...like  madly-in-love close. Your hands make their way down me and I am so nervous and exhilarated and I am just gaga over this whole grotto-tub thing we are in. I look at you and I say your name and you just look at me like it's new music. I wake up. Enthralled. I want to be there with you. You need to break up with your girlfriend so we can go there together and make this happen. 

Ok, but why?

Parties make me happy. They make me stressed and then they make me happy. I'm definitely having problems with myself right now but the over-indulgent little wench I am right now has no issue with skipping school (and dropping all but one of my classes), staying at home, painting, sleeping and netflixing all day. I barely even work at Starbucks anymore. I'm fucking depressed but if throwing this Halloween party will get me excited then good golly I will grasp it with both hands. I could cry over how ambivalent I am right now. I wanted to be the girl with the most cake and now I am and I have been and I'm miserable. I need a real fucking job, not just serving coffee. Even the customers know I am not supposed to be there. I need to sleep. It's 2am and I am awake. No song to sing, not light to hold. 

Occupy me

I am a nasty, hateful girl. Mean spirited, jealous and sour. Cruel, angry and rude. I don't know where I come off feeling like this. I want to just push everyone right out of my orbit. I take space when I need it and I have things I love that occupy me but I'm just so angry right now and I can't understand why! Oh that's a lie, I totally can. I just want to be the only one that gets all the love and by that happening I come to resent it. I fucking don't want to be loved that much, I can't handle it. I can't stand to be smothered like that but I also can't stand him not trying anymore because he found someone else to smother. I'm so selfish and stupid. I'm unhappy right now. I don't feel like myself and I feel like I'm going crazy again and I can't explain it I just want to tear my skin off. Take a bunch of pills and pass out cold. I can't stand myself anymore I really fucking can't. I'm sick with it, my brain, heart and whole are riddled with sickness. I'm sick. I'm just sad and sick.

Secret

I want to be kissed. I want my hair to be tucked behind my ear. I want his hand to brush my cheek gently and his fingers to glide down my neck and rest on my shoulder. I want him to pull me closer and envelope me in his arms. I want him to kiss my nose and then my lips. I want to be made out with. Late at night while the moon pours over us and the leaves drop from the sheer ripples of our kissing. I want to feel dizzy and faint with his mouth, the taste of breath and sigh. Hands angling my curves, catching prickled goose flesh and hairs on end. Resting, squeezing, moving and replayed again and again. Street corners, parking lots, sidewalks and parks: I don't care. I want to feel myself fall fall fall as your fingers find their target and press insistently and rhythmically until i get there. Take me there. 

Day list

No, thank you: 

Anise

Fennel

Caraway

Black licorice

Jaegermeister 

Cauliflower

Parsnips

Radish (which is strange because I loved eating them raw as a child)

Radicchio 

Scallops

Eel

Liverwurst

Sweet gherkins

Cherry ice cream

Lake trout

I used to dislike but now I love:

Beets

Grits

Dark chocolate

Buttermilk

Goose liver pate

Sweet potatoes

Kale

Cashews 

Cabernet

Coil, curl and cope

Me oh my this unhappy girl. Obstinate and unrelenting. I haven't felt like this since high school when I truly just didn't want to go. I have to do something, I can't just do nothing. Money has to be earned, bills paid, cat food supplied. I come home to my home and I fall in love. There is no way I would ever let it go. I just want to work, do something amazing again. I want to, need to plan, attend meetings, make phone calls and decisions. I'm not challenged enough and school is no long exciting and quant. It's like an uncool hanger-on that is keeping me from doing the things that I want to and feel I need to do right now. I'm just unhappy though. I just am. 

Prickled Pear

I feel so giggly laying in bed right now. Secrets running over me and your smile so coy and hard earned. I'm scintillated and I cannot tell whether you are handling me with care or with annoyance at liking me. I stand close on purpose, leaning in unnecessarily because I want to be close, it's enough to be so near you. Pull out all the stops, you walk in and smile so earnestly at me and I think "gee." Can't you comeover? Couldn't you sit in my indoor tent and let me read your fortune, finger your palm and steal a kiss for luck? I don't want to love you, I just want to fuck and be fucked by you. Smile at me some more and let me laugh at your abrasive stubbornness. I'm abrasive too, maybe we'll wear each other down smooth.