I am 7/10ths of the way through the home buying process and wow what a mindfuck it's been thus far. I was warned...warned and lectured and warned some more and realistically I think I have had it easy-ish compared to other horror stories I have heard. Let's re-cap shall we?
8/12:
A. Start the home search, see the "perfect condo" but it is just too expensive for me right now.
B. Move on to other spaces; find one in the coveted "Avenues" neighborhood. I take Oma to see it and she flips out in a major way. She hated the building, thought the Avenues were dangerous (which is beyond ridiculous), hated the windows, hated the living room, hated the price (which was affordable and I had already been pre-approved).
9/12:
C. Because she saw the alternative she decided that she did in fact like the other, way expensive condo (See Fig. A) so she decides to tell me 3 weeks later "I guess I can give you your inheritance money now so you can get the other place." WHAT!? You KNEW I couldn't afford that place for WEEKS and NOW you decide you want to help because you saw what was realistic for me. So, of course, the other unit already had an offer on it and the owner had countered and they are probably closing on it right this very bloody minute. Thanks Oma.
D. I decided I needed a break. A break meant looking at a cottage in a shitty neighborhood.
E. Just when I had given up real hope of ever living downtown and playing out my fantasy of a warped, punk rock version of a Charlotte/Samantha SATC lifestyle: IT APPEARS.
F. I went out with a guy named Brian who used to live in the building. We worked at Starbucks together, he was a divorced bisexual (or so he told me). Whatever, anyway:
I walk in and the first thing I think is "1970's Treehouse." Vaulted ceilings, orange Preway floating woodstove, floor to ceiling windows, cast iron tub, new carpet and tile. Two blocks away from TRAX, across the street from all I will ever really need. What is the price? PERFECT. Was my offer accepted? YES. Just as I was about to float away on my cloud of homeownership, a terrible hurricane blew through in the form of inept loan officers and office assistants.
10/12:
G. First it was "Oh you missed one hour of work on your paystub and the underwriter doesn't think you are really, truly gainfully employed for forty hours a week...so your mom needs to cosign." Then it was "Oh the realtor quoted the taxes incorrectly, they are really $200 more a year." Then it was "Oops we emailed you another couples paperwork and we sent them yours (real response from a grown ass woman coming up...wait for it) MY BAD!" After that it was "So, it turns out they made a mistake in your VOE form and your mom probably didn't really need to cosign for you...your credit score is better than hers..." and the BEST one of all!? "So, um, it turns out that 30% of the people who live there are renters and 70% are owners and we really don't think the condo is warrantable (READ: they don't think they can finance me), we would like the ratios to be 80/20..." After feeling like I am going to break the neck of the Listing Agent my mortgage company decided "Weeelllll, I guess we can make an exception...maybe." So I had the inspection done and the appraiser is coming next week. God willing nothing else stupid as shit happens I should be closing on November 19 and I swear to god the minute I get those keys in my hand I will run my ass over there and collapse on the carpet and cry for how this year has been. What I did and what I left behind and what I gave up for this piece of mind.
I want to come home to serenity. I want to make a cup of tea and coax a fire and sprawl on my $$$ofa I prematurely bought myself from Macy's. I want to have guests who can sleep in a real guest room and not an air mattress in the living room. I want the only thing I utter words too be Baby Kitty if I feel like it. I can't wait to have a special SLC DRUNCH! in my new place, making finger sandwiches and pouring shots of Jameson in the leaded crystal cordial glasses my parents got as a wedding present. I have such plans for it, I just have to hurry up and wait at this point.
