This is the place

 

You never knew safety until you felt the awesome hug of the mountains. 

I had so many dreams where I was in Salt Lake doing the things i normally did: working at 4th South, hanging out at Litza's, going to the city library, kamikaze's at Burts. But then I would wake up and it would all be gone, I would be alone in Baltimore in the dark. 

Not anymore though, this heart on ice is packing it all in just like I have done so many times and is heading back to the place where I belong. 

I feel different, I am definitely older now but my feelings are changed, my outlook has shifted. I remember feeling the exact same way when I was living in Oklahoma almost nine years ago. I had no where to be, no place that felt special or people that i loved. When I moved to SLC then it was to help take care of my grandpa. It ended up turning in to my home and being a salve to my young self. I was healed by those mountains; I became a woman up there. 

 So now I return. I do not doubt Brigham Young's feelings at all when he saw the Salt Lake valley and knew "this is the place." This is the place. This is my place. And just like when Dorothy awoke from her concussion induced adventures and knew that home was the only place she wanted to be, I too realize just where my home is. I wish I could click my heels three times, but instead I will fork over $1400 for a Uhaul, have my dad drive my car (with cat and dog inside) and plan to stay in hotels along the way so I can get back to where I belong. 

Henry, Pearl and Charlotte

Today is the first Monday of the month, I celebrate this with my residents by taking them to the Regal Cinema to see a movie. I wanted to see The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel but it was playing one hour too early; we settled for What To Expect When You Are Expecting. Being a woman who just ended a relationship where I thought it was for forever and now scared to death I will be too old and haggard to have children by the time I finally do meet someone, this movie depressed the shit right out of me. Sure, it had some bad writing and corny cliche's but boy was I bummed out when the credits rolled. The tears I shed were brought on by "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero's. I listened to that song the whole plane ride home from Europe last fall and thought about B and how he was my home. 

I just don't feel like feeling like shit because I want a goddamn husband and a fucking baby and I can't understand why this isn't in the cards for me right now. 

Speaking of cards, I dug out the Gypsy Witch fortune telling cards that B bought for me at Toy Joy in Austin, Tx. Most of the stuff that he gave me or belonged to him is in a box waiting until I clean and pack everything of mine; just so I can make sure he gets every trace of himself and his memories back since, you know, we have been living a big fat lie. ANYWAYS. back to the gypsy witch. 
                          

Basically, you take out the #18 and #19 cards and the extra jokers, leaving one joker in the pack. You shuffle the cards while making a secret wish. You then flip a card over face up counting "1,2,3..." until you reach the joker. If you reach him on an even number then your wish will likely come true, if you reach him on an odd number then your wish is doubtful. You then take the joker out and depending on who the reading is for (male or female) you place the #18 or #19 in the middle of your reading space and re shuffle the cards. Starting from directly to the left of your card, you place the first card face up (mine is the heart) and then place a card above that (the clover) and then so on until your inner circle is formed (3 above, 3 below and 3 on each side). You then do your outer circle the same way, 3 above, 3 below and 3 on each side). You start your reading from wherever you want but I always start mine directly to the left of myself (the lady card so the heart would be the first card I read and then I would move up to the clover etc.)This is a perfectly good way to waste time and find out if a close friend will die soon (that is what my reading said last night). 

sex addicts and fiestaware

I attended my first meeting today. I have never been a part of a 12 step program before and it wasn't like i envisioned. 

I laughed, I cried, I cried some more. It was helpful to be able to tell total strangers how I feel like I have been living a lie not just the past two years of my life but the last four. How I am afraid that I am going to not recognize the signs of a co-dependent relationship and fall back into the same patterns. These are valid fears and something I will be working on for a long time to come. I can hope and pray that this is just one of those life lessons that I finally needed to have. I was angry on the drive home: "Why the fuck should I have to deal with this on top of everything that has occurred in the last four years, how come this is my life? How come this is warranted; if everything happens for a reason then what is the reasoning for this!?"
This is a lesson I have not yet learned. I can pretend and dance around the issues all I want but in the end, they always come back to haunt me. Maybe this broken relationship hurts more now because my clock is ticking and I thought we were moving forward in our all-american dream: house, car, mommy, daddy, baby. I never properly dealt with the issues of my other broken relationships; trust, communication, geography, needs and wants etc. These things are true about my last relationship: I was verbally abused; I was afraid of the red flags but stayed in because I wanted the companionship. I allowed him to manipulate me. I have no sense of proportion...he is incredible at compartmentalization, we were both screwed from the start.


I was told that "If I want to feel sad I should live in the past, if I want to feel anxious I should focus on the future, but if I want to feel happiness I should live in the now."
All I can think of is Garth in Wayne's World saying "Live in the NOW!"

I have been reading She's Come Undone. This is one of those books that I have carried with me through the years; I first read it when I was thirteen. I appreciate the fact that this book was written by a man and yet is probably the closest thing to the "female experience" as far as fiction books are concerned. This is one of the cathartic activities I have been trying to reintroduce back into my life. Other cathartic activities that need to come back: writing in my journal (this blog is pretty much that but you don't get to know everything), pastels, yoga... there are others but I haven't done them in so long I cannot remember.

After my meeting, I made my way to Ellicott City for some shopping. I had forgotten it was a Saturday and that meant other people who were there for the same thing I was: antiques, live music and atmosphere. I was really there to shop for some Fiestaware. Now that I am going to be living on my own again, I decided I would do something I always wanted to do: collect Fiestaware! I have always loved the art deco shapes and bright colors and moving in to my new apt next month makes me want to have Fiesta. So I wandered around and poked and prodded and saw a few things but nothing mind blowing. I settled for four yellow dessert plates and a soup plate for $25.

a vintage red carafe with intact cork.

I just want to live. Alone or with someone else, i just want a life.