Teen

Wow am I not regretting my teen years right now. I lived hard, loved even harder. I snuck out and partied. I walked home alone in the dark. I wore whatever I wanted and said whatever I wanted. I kissed and made love like only a teenager who doesn't know about a care in the world can. All night long in the back of the Cabrio with the top down and the fireflies lighting up my body on the hottest night of my life. I don't like those boys anymore, they are unkept badly aged men now with much more adult features that you don't need to see on their faces to know how bad they are. But wow did they give me some precious memories. Gems of a time gone by forever encrusted in my golden heart. Bonfires, stolen fireworks and danger...danger around every corner it felt like. Smoking cigarettes and talking about how we would be now. Well, now you are a part time employed student who has "real wealth" according to the government and yet I feel as lost and helpless as ever. We took ourselves and our problems so seriously. I just can't anymore. It's all a joke and whatever sucks now you probably won't care about in ten years, or even two years for that matter. Time erases all the wrinkles and leaves the shore smooth. Learning about myself and what I liked sexually and musically and artfully and whatever else. It really was the best adventure. That's my problem now. I've done it all and I know myself and I haven't surprised me enough lately. Well, good thing I have a good excuse to cut loose coming up. 

Laying down

Finally I realize that everyone's in love with Rebecca. 

I'm tired. It makes sense because it's 2am but still, you know what I mean.

My heart has been tested this week, my patience has had it and my brain is so confused. 

I had so many people want to come to my rescue and I only wanted my precious few around. I just want to see my friends and swim and laugh even though it hurts. I want a smooth flight with a Bloody Mary and save the vodka for Kevin and I. 

So cmon baby lets get back to where you started out. 

It's a dream to see Ry. Be normal and talk and tell her all my secrets. Remember back to a time when we didn't know any better and we imagined ourselves as adults doing crazy, different things and being free but for the life of us the lives we live now probably would have surprised, delighted and disappointed ourselves. Maybe this is what you get to choose? Those wooden toys with the rotate able clothes and heads wearing different hats. We look the same, we are just different in a unique and individual way. I just wish I knew my sister now. She says I don't know her anymore and that's why it's hard for her with me. I didn't know that could even happen. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me. You can disappear here, is what I would say. And that just made her stop appearing at all to me. 

Diabetes, broken hearts and being single

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. My neighbor (being old, quirky and ridiculous) told me he wanted me to meet his daughter. I said "ok" thinking "yea, ok, whatever." He then said "she's a lesbian" and I just stood there in the sidewalk, weighed down by my book bag and garbage, waiting for him to get to the fucking point. Then "aren't you one?" The most awkward silence followed and then I said "no..." and he topped off this fantastic conversation with "oh but I mean, you're single so..." Fuck my life. That's where that term came from; from some nosy neighbor making assumptions about my sexuality and dating status. It bothered me, made me feel like shit, made me feel like less of a woman, which is idiotic and untrue. I don't care that he thought I was gay, I care that he thought that because I wasn't being fucked by a man on his front step meant that I was single. So that was stupid. Even stupider was me using a date the next night to justify to myself that I am, in fact, a woman who is probably heterosexual (although now I'm like "maybe I am gay, who knows!?" So  the date was fun and great but I wasn't feeling it because I wasn't quit feeling him so much as I would have fucked him right then and there had I been given the chance. 

Baby Kitty, my beloved of over 12 years was diagnosed with diabetes and now I have to decide whether I am going to treat it or put her down before she gets really sick and then just deteriorates in front of me. I'm lost and angry and fucking hurting for her and for my selfish self who doesn't want to let her go. I don't want to. She belongs with me always and I knew she would die someday but I imagined it would be at 20+ years old with not a care in the world. She's too young for me. 65 human years is old but not that old. I just am in complete shock and I don't know how I am going to get through this. The tears keep coming and I can't manage to get anything productive done in the wake of this flood of heartache. She is my best friend and my mirror. I put so much into her and we have the same heart. Nothing  could have been done to prevent this except to have noticed earlier how much water she had been drinking lately. I love her so much. I can't do this.