Sulphur

I am plagued with an uncomfortable tickle in my throat, a scratch of sand paper. I leak phlegm and reek of medicine. I feel gross and contagious and viral. Pains in the bottom of my right heel; like the time I stepped on a needle when I was 5. Ballooning with gas and feeling internally rotten, looking externally equally as rotten. Bathe in mustard and drink pure garlic. I need to be cleansed. Why don't i believe in God? How does that happen? I loved Jesus once. I was his lamb, his gospel verse, his tulip in March. Now I'm old and going through second puberty and feeling lost. I'm sick and I don't believe in God and I'm like the poster child for what happens to people who don't BELIEVE. I'm not afraid. I feel as though no sacrilege has been commited. I think that my truth has always been surrounded by nature and God just seemed like a shorter name for it. I don't need to bloviate upon religion because there is enough of that already. I just think that there is no control at all. We really are dust upon nature's coffee table. Sometimes we get wiped off right away and replaced by other dust and sometimes we just sit there...nature decided to take a break. I don't know. What I do know is that I can't keep living my life this way. I need to find a more stable existence to take rest with and rejoice and not continue my shaking carnival fun house. I feel as though I could cough up a hairball of crap. Maybe that would heal me.