Electrified

I was sitting on the couch earlier this evening watching Whodunnit? with Bre. We heard and saw this unbelievable boom and flash and it literally looked and sounded as if a bomb went off. We looked out the window and I saw flickering behind the tree and I knew it was on fire. We ran outside and down to the back and sure enough there were flames up above. They were burning the power lines and you could hear this sickening zapping sound and showers of sparks fell to the ground. It had been raining and a branch fell from a higher up tree and snapped a line from the transformer, causing the arc of electricity. The fire department eventually showed up and the power company too. The other half of the condo building had their power blown out but luckily ours stayed on; True Blood was on! 

Eat

Vanilla Rooibas tea

0 % Greek yogurt

Raw honey

Strawberry rhubarb pie

Champagne

Blue Stilton

Portabello

Wagyu beef

Lemon

Seltzer water

Fish tacos

Beer

Sweet potato fries

Vosges chocolate

Raspberries

Oatmeal

Cashews

Cottage cheese

Orzo

Lemon roasted chicken

Maryland steamed crab

Cheese soufflé

Honey baked ham

Popcorn

Toffee

Fireball whiskey

Fried oysters

Hot dogs from the ballpark

Candied walnuts

Latkes

Mashed potatoes and brown gravy

Grilled cheese and avocado sandwich

Creamy tomato soup

Water

Ice cream

Sausage

Tito's vodka

Root beer

Grilled pizza

Goat cheese

Pears

Broccoli cheese soup

Rosé hips

Bran flakes

Milk

Lamb gyros

Feta cheese

Roast beets

Tom Ka Gai 

Pasta Carbonara

Parmesan

Turkey with cranberry sauce

Zucchini

Bagels

Peanut butter cheesecake

Marcona almonds

Maryland crab soup

Enchiladas

Pineapple and sour cream

Onion frittata

Chicken and waffles

Pulled pork

Spicy BBQ sauce

Coleslaw

Deviled eggs

Chocolate banana bread

Spinach

Biscuits and country gravy

Plum cake

Chicken en croute

Chocolate covered strawberries

Goat cheese stuffed peppadew peppers

To do

Replace all the windows

Dishwasher

Recycled glass countertops in the kitchen and bathroom

Deeper tub

Re-tile bathroom surround

Paint bathroom

Paint design in guest room

Rearrange guest room furniture

Long white dresser

Chaise in bedroom for reading nook

Resurface and paint kitchen cabinets

Add plate racks

Wine fridge?

Clean storage

New fridge

Additional light switch in bathroom

Wall sconce in hallway

Ceiling fan?

Tile backsplash in kitchen 

New bedroom doors

Crystal doorknobs

Comfort

Letter writing

Morning coffee

Hanging mobiles

Washed feet

Paper collage

Stationary

Screen printing

Liberty Park

Fire in the hearth

Washed hair

New underwear

Lush house plants

Crossword puzzles

Fountains

Origami

Growth

Corndogs

Horror movies

History

Art Deco

Sea glass

Massages

Fiscally responsible

S'mores

Black liquid eyeliner

Mountains

Feminism

Reading

Singing

Gold satin

New Crayons

Travel

Cotton sheets

Chicken pot pie

Diamonds

Painted fingernails

White wine

Magazines

Kissing

Pinterest

Apple cider

Football

Mermaids

Chocolate covered strawberries

Holding hands

Talking

Fireball whiskey

Laying in the park

Bottle collecting

When I

I want to scream. Scream so loud and clear and in his face. Just this shrill, all encompassing vocal manifestation that will shut everyone up for one fucking minute. I would scream and he would know I was calling out for him. I would cry out and he would feel that ache like a GPS beacon pulsing bright and clear in his entire body,                                      -... .- .-. --- -.  .-. .- -.--

I want to be near you right now, I want to be walking on the sun with you .- ..- --. ..--- ----. 

Bring the alligator, burn this after reading. 

.-. . -... . -.-. -.-. .-

Say it right

I don't know what I would do if something happened to him. I have dreams and thoughts and hurt feelings and all of it winds down to "what if he was gravely injured or outright killed?" and I think my heart may stop at the thought. The anger and pain and longing I feel is tantamount to every great and sad story where love is the primary focus.   I want to be free, I want to be totally utterly, undeniably free. I want to wipe my memory; never find another thing funny that he would find funny, never accidentally remember a silly quirk and smile, never remember how stupid and worthless I felt at his mercy. Bury the pictures by the pond in the park after a dry spell and hope the rain comes and further impresses their watery exile. Omeprazole keeps the ache at bay, I wake up acid burning and his night time ritual of shaking two tablets loose comes as searing a pain as the one in my chest. Run as fast as you can, don't be that woman that turns around and looks back. I'll be a pillar of salt before I would let anything happen to him though, really. 

She is me

From the vault! Names and other things haven't really been edited out...

August 2007

She is me

I am her

She is me

I am her

I miss annie. I miss her so much I just stop breathing thinking about her. We were connected to each other during what would be a very important, sexy, rebellious and exciting time for me and it ultimately would turn in to her downfall. I try I tried. I tried to say goodbye. I did I will say it to myself over an over again I tried. She was walking while I was running. I did all these things and she didn’t do anything. I quit cocaine with just enough respect for myself left over to know that I had to do something. She did more and more. Really truly though…I will never know to what extent her drug use was going on to. I know she drank a lot. We all did then, it was our life.  Her and phil had other problems though…on top of the drugs and alcohol. Annie was so angry and phil was too but he was a doormat when It came to her screaming at him about whatever. I miss them though. I never thought I could feel so belonged to anything like what I had with them. We took each other everywhere and we branched out but still stayed close. That winter they lived in the pirate house and they slept up in the lookout way upstairs that fit only a mattress and tv and they took care of baby kitty. Or summers when we would go to liberty park and drink beers and lay in the grass and sunlight.  Nights when annie and I would watch laguna beach and lay on our couches and snuggle waiting for phil to come home from the meat packing factory. I miss her. My red headed cancer. She loved all things cherries and horses. Still life with woodpecker and her dead best friend morgan, who oddly enough died on the cross street of Pratt and Rebecca in Spokane, Washington.

It was so chance that we even met. I will never forget that. Years later, at the end of our friendship, I was living across the street and around the corner from the apartment we met at and exactly 1 block a 1/2 over from her apartment she lived in and we became friends in. I was scared I wouldn’t make it in Salt Lake. i championed it. I will always be in love to the very core of Salt Lake City. Annie completely surrounds almost every memory I have of it. I am so sad about leaving though, leaving her. She wouldn’t even talk to me at the end. She wouldn’t even say anything at all to me, ignoring my calls and hiding whatever pissed off feelings she had. I think she forgets that when her and phil moved to Spokane, she left me behind for almost 5 months and It felt like forever. And then she just shows up at my doorstep later with all these homeless gutter punk kids and its all ok. I hate myself for loving her so much. I wish I had my best friend back.

True Romance

My incredible parents just celebrated 34 years of marriage yesterday. 

They still greet eachother with a kiss or two, still hang out and spend time with one another and still manage/managed to be excellent parents and examples to us kids. One of my many favorite memories of them is when we were driving our 1980's navy blue Chevy van from North Carolina to Texas up to Utah in the early 90's. My mom was driving and wanted to keep listening to her Michael Bolton cassette tape. My father could stand no more and popped the tape out to exchange it for Bruce Springsteen. A quick verbal smack down ensued and pretty soon Michael was dangling out the window on the passenger side while Bruce hung on to dear life out the drivers side window. My parents must have driven like this is silence for a half hour or so before one of them gave in (it's funny I don't remember who buckled first). I can't remember what they settled for in music terms but it's that kind of funny playfulness that has probably gotten them through some really tough, shitty times. My father going off to fight and fly Prowlers in Operation Desert Storm for two years while we lived in cockroach infested base housing, coming home and moving us across the US to live with my grandparents, going to school full time while my mother worked full time making $12 an hour while supporting a family of five and paying a mortgage, my moms thyroid disease and subsequent diabetes, my dad constantly moving us to different states, my brothers seizure disorder and my sisters cancer. My parents have been through a lot of shit together and still manage to look amazing and live their lives while supporting eachother in their endeavors. I have never felt so much love and respect for two people and I am grateful and thankful every single day that my mother didn't end up going to college at Wellesley and instead stayed in her home state to attend Kansas University where she met her "cowboy." 

Red, white and blue ribbon

I love talking to boys. I am crass and hard and mean sometimes but golly it's nice to have boys who are friends and call and care. I used to have men who I considered close friends and who I looked to for manly advice, distance has driven us away and hurt feelings have severed the bond that bound. I push male influences away though...I never felt like one of those "pretty" girls that guys just wanted to be around because I didn't think I was that pretty. I think they liked me because I was cool... I wouldn't fawn or obsess or get mad if they just wanted to hang out and play video games. I keep men at a safe distance mostly now out of fear. I'm to loud, talkative, opinionated, abrasive, and bossy. Being friends with this person is difficult and understanding the nuances behind my behavior is for an expert in psychology. I am too much to handle sometimes. Even for myself. 

Guess who took care of you

Drowning is as good of a time as any to remember you have two capable, strong arms that will maneuver you to the surface long enough to catch your breath. I'm floating, bobbing really. The equivalent of when I was a child and would swim in the neighborhood pool. I would lay on my back and let the red seaweed of my hair fan out around my head. My eyes were just barely underwater looking up; I could breath easily but a wavering sheen covered my eyes and made everything into a watercolor. You can't hear anything really, just the thick sounds of the pool filter clicking and whirring, maybe far away murmurs and splashing. I feel this way now; head underwater but still capable of normal respiration. I want to work, really I do, but being home feeds into my true desire to live the life of a merry shut-in. I was looking into having my groceries delivered, the only time I could see myself leaving my home is to get on a plane and travel to some foreign place. I do feel robbed sometimes, stolen from. What he did to me was a different violation than just having my car rifled through or stolen. He took something from me that I had made in my heart for him and him alone. I had a comb in my heart packed with sweetness and secrets and love and he just opened me up and harvested what he wanted and left. The hive is no longer buzzing, the bees have withered. Their queen is dead. 

I'll remember forever, I'll be the martyr who "took one for the team." I'll carry my hurt and move it to different anatomical locations until the site is sore and swollen and then I'll move it again. "It's the movie that never gets filmed, it's the story that we won't tell." 

Maybe I'll get over it, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll let someone in, most likely I won't. I keep trying, trying to make myself better in other ways. She said "in another year it won't matter" and I know she is right, what is a year in my life? A blip. I yearn for the simpler times and yet during the heydey of my simpler times I ached for the kind of life I have now. I wrote countless letters to myself back then promising I would be the person that surprisingly enough I have turned out to be. The only thing I hadn't counted on was how non dependent I am on other people. It comes off as cold and bitter and whatever but its the truth, I could live alone and Thoreau my way through life and that is probably where I am headed. I want to be alone. I need to be by myself sometimes. I am the subject I know best.