Tall Coffee Shit Head Notice Me Never

I'm in the eighties movie I always secretly wished for myself. I'm working a low class job while putting myself through school. I have a ton of friends and a few really good girlfriends that I'm so close with. I drive a little red convertible like a bitch who plays tennis on the weekends. I drink and dance and kiss boys and maybe once in a while a coke conversation will come up. The parallels exist. And just like in my eighties movie the boy I am in love with only is in love with the ego boost flirt sesh over his tall coffee and nothing more. Far be it for me to have feelings and consider myself his equal; I realize now that he is a Royal Tenenbaum and I am more likely an Andie Walsh, trying to pass off my hideous pink prom dress as cute and sexy. Well, that's the risk you take I suppose when you put yourself out there. I know this lesson too well, know this all to familiar agenda of a man. He can listen to that cd and wish on a hundred stars I never gave it to him...but I'm guessing he won't wish that. I think he's glad/sad/mad? I don't know really, I know him just about as well as he knows me. He has my heart and mind on 16 tracks and I have google. I can't ever keep my cards close, I want to immedietly show my royal flush and then I expect everyone to hand over their chips. I say I am seemingly clairvoyant but that is an understatement. I knew he was fishing for an answer and I wasn't giving it. Our hearts are wrong sometimes. 

Somewhere in time

I sit here fortifying myself in vodka and extract. Thinking on someone who is not more than a city block away. I can't help but begin to wonder about his heart. Will he claim his prize? I look like a Christmas present getting out of my car in a green coat, will he see me that way? I could count the words we have spoken on two hands and two feet...but the looks are endless, uncountable just as the stars in the sky. Engineer a machine that can read the way I feel when you are near. A heart beat equals what? Stand there in your pea coat, let me tease you and smile to you (and truly, it is only for you) and laugh. Tell me something about you. Droplets of information that are as precious to me as uncut diamonds in a blue velvet cloth.To me you are gem that has never been polluted, occluded. There is a snow storm coming...and at the center will be us. Our emotion churning the brave flakes that risk their lives to land on our warm bodies. We will have our time. I will get my kiss and you...you will get yours. 

Petite Mort II

1. Daniel- bat for lashes

Because it's the perfect opener, it conveys the mood and sets the stage for the luscious heartbreak and lust that comes after this song ends.

2. Heartbeats- the knife 

Edgy, different. This song puts me in a mood and makes me feel sexy and aware of my surroundings. 

3. Closer- tegan & sara

The lyrics say it all..."I won't treat you like you're oh so typical."

I get cloudy in the order after this...

4. Rill Rill- sleigh bells 

I'm a teenager again, I'm sharing this feeling with you because I want you to understand me and how I felt when I was 16 and knew it all. 

5. Valentine- Fiona apple

There is a hurt in me and yet I still fall in love; I'm a tulip in a cup. 

6. Under your spell- desire

It's the eighties and we are meeting by the bleachers and maybe we'll kiss and maybe we won't but you can be sure I'll be writing in my diary about you.

7. Genesis-grimes

I'm experimental and i think you might be too.

8. Extraordinary Machine- fiona apple 

I can't be smoted, I know who I am. Know that. 

9. Our hearts are wrong- Jessica Lea mayfield 

This is clearly you and me and we. Could it ever work? My self esteem is heating up the room, you're intimidating as all hell but I ain't scared of you.

10. Marilyn - bat for lashes

It's so heartbreakingly beautiful 

11. Scotty- pure bathing culture

Again, it's the 80's but this time we are sitting in your car listening to a tape not touching. You tell me I'm pretty and I smell like Baby Soft and bubblegum. I get the courage to look at you and you look at the same time and we just go for it. Our tongues touch and I yearn for more but don't know how to express it.

12. Christmas time is here- VGT 

It is now. We are almost thirty. It's snowing and it just happens naturalich. We are meant for eachother in that we have this beautiful understanding. The snow protects us. I think I might really care for you. 

Petite Mort

I'm uncertain and afraid. I hope it is snowing when he comes in. I'm calm and confident. It's just a mixtape. Why is music so deeply personal to me? Will he listen to the Vince Guaraldi Trio and curse my name? It's just notes and tones and sometimes singing. I realized after the fact that all my music was girls singing. Will it get put in the glove compartment; lost for months until he needs his registration? Our brief encounters. Akward and cute. What did he do tonight? I want to tell him I came home, made shrimp and white cheddar grits that were out of this world. I watched Spirited Away and relaxed in a way I don't get to do often. I imagine him walking into a very large room filled with people and he would scan the crowd and see me and laser in on my gaze. I need to practice my math.