Working at the pyramid

Another oldie from the vault, obviously unedited.


August 18, 2011

Remember that time D told you the only reason you two stuck around together so long was because the sex was so great? And you wish so badly you would have just said "what are you talking about; actually, the sex was awful and you always smelled like cigarettes, malt liquor and sweat."

And then all those years after you picked him up at the Tiger Army show and even after Salt Lake and before he lied on Memorial Day about where he was, he said "it was you. It was always you." and how now you know that that was just another falsity he tried tricking you with. How now it's like a mirror has been put up on yr entire history and half of it is a lie and the other half never existed in the first place. You made a mirage to comfort yourself because all those times he led you to believe you were in the desert and his love was the coldest, clearest, sweetest water you had ever drunk. When you came to you had a mouth full of blood and barbs and yr intestines burned and you realize you have been eating sand and cactus for the last ten years. That was just how fucking good he was at swindling his snake oil and selling it off as love for you.

That time he told me I smelled bad, like body odor smelled bad. And I got in the tub feeling like a fucking child and crying like one too. He came in and washed me. My hair, my back and my vagina. He wanted to own me, wanted to make me feel like I wasn't in control of myself, he was in control of me and the only way I could be cleansed was if he did it for me.

Cupid says "Whoever you are, this is your master. That he is, that he was and that he will be."

Gun Shy

Yesterday was Thursday, today is amazing. WIDOWSPEAK is playing in Salt Lake City tonight and while they were supposed to be booked at a regular venue it didn't work out and now they are playing around the corner from my house. I am so thrilled to get to see them and meet them, I love it when things are just sort of perfect in that way. House parties never hurt for fun anyway and this one will be epic I am sure.
My two cousins are driving in from Tulsa, Oklahoma tomorrow afternoon/ evening and I planned on us all going dancing at 80's night at Urban Lounge but we will see. I have an appt. in the morning to meet with the coordinator of the venue I want to have my Oma's 80th birthday at. It is going to be expensive but I really don't care, I just want her to finally see that no we don't take you for granted, no you aren't unimportant to us, and YES we all gathered here for you Oma, all for you. I feel excited and lucky and pretty and good and all the things I wanted to experience are happening and they are happening one by one, little by little. If this much progress has already occurred in the seven months that I have been here I can't imagine what next year or the next five years will bring. Sometimes when you hear your favorite song on the radio you think maybe it was playing only for you, just for your hearts and ears and fingers to strum along to. I feel that way about every challenge, heartbreak, obstacle, and barrier now. It was all there, just for me to conquer and get past so that I could see really and finally how fucking strong I am and that there are no limits when it comes to this girl.

Third Base

Scribbling notes down on napkins to remember a point I wanted to make later is not only ineffective but also a waste of a good napkin.