Romancing my home

It's bright and cheery, happy and cozy. Comfortable, warm and full of secrets and lost memories. Come over and let's lay on the couch and I'll make you laugh out loud. Let me get big eyed and smile and you can peer right into me like a mirror. I'll get out my vintage nibs and nice paper. I'll show you my bed and you can become an expert on it. I finished my mural and I want to wake up under its glory. On a clear day, you can see forever.  Show me how to find those zeros, take me to the place where the grotto tub is and find where I hid my heart. I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me. 

I just

I just want you to be here. Your leg pressed against mine like last night. Your smell all over my sofa. I just can't even. You are so nice to look at and I feel like my smile must be the most fascinating thing about me because you stare me straight in the face when I do it. You are nice to my cat. You laugh with me. You made fucking toasts and a warm balsamic sauce that was delicious. You are sweet you really really are. I don't even care about punctuation and you said you told your brother you would help me with my math. I feel desperate and wanting and needy I just need you. I want you nearby all the time, it's almost on the importance of oxygen. Where are you what are you doing who are you with what are you thinking about are you thinking of me, tell me. Come back over here. Take a cab since the trains aren't running this late. Please please come hug me again. I just wanted to grab your face and fucking kiss you. 

Be mine

I've got you now. There's no way you won't just love me so hard after this. I just picture this warmth and candlelight and the amazing meal we will share and I can't even wait for all of it. You standing so fucking close behind me yesterday put a pin in every worry I've had. So close, I could have stepped back and it would have been intercourse. Dangerous, dangerous your sweet smile and your Clark Kent hair. Thank goodness you don't wear glasses or I would have to bring a spare pair of panties everywhere I went. I want to be close to you, pressed up against you. It makes me feel safe and cared for. Kiss my neck from behind, like a surprise. 

Cause I want to

I just decided today that I would live. There will be such a thing as old me. I refuse to go without feeling another hand in my own; the sound of my baby crying. I'm going to live and it's just exactly what I have to do. 

I listen to Container by Fiona Apple and i know I can't die yet because she is going to probably out out another album soon.

Wish List

Rookie Yearbook 2

Rookie Yearbook 3

2 year subscription to BUST Magazine

Tickets to see Sleater Kinney in SLC 

Gift certificate to Eva's 

SLFS membership

Delta gift certificate

Anti microbial humidifier 

Reuels gift certificate

Wool socks

Heart burn

Sitting across from you last night. Your smile and how you look just straight in to my eyes, catching glances like shy teenagers. Maybe that's what it is? "I don't care if forever never comes cause I'm holding out for that teenage feeling." Say that over and over. I planned it in my head, saw it on my way to the meeting. I didn't plan the seating arrangement and I showed up a few minutes late. I managed to sit directly across from you. A simple lighting change and we very well could have been having a romantic dinner. I thought "I'll ask if he wants a ride home." and then "we'll be in close quarters and we can talk and I can be pretty and funny and he'll be close enough to smell me and he'll want more."  I waited and waited and then so casually "do you want a ride home?" and disappointment is a slice of "oh, no, (his ex? girlfriend) is coming to pick me up." 

"Oh, ok." And then nothing. I walk out and don't say goodbye to anyone get into my car cold and alone. I watch him for a minute. She is parked behind me and he gets in effortlessly. 

I don't care, if forever never comes.

Golden Girl

You have no idea...the things you say keep me up beyond what is a normal bedtime for me. Not counting sheep but your babies instead. You make me want to retire in the buff, douse myself in your feverish mouth. Listen to my love songs, not think about the others, hope you feel the same. Waking up shaking and stiff, grabbing memories of me before they vanish back into your psyche. Feeling nervous when we see eachother later, "does she know?" while recounting our dreamworld affair. 

I know.

Say what

It's so calculated the way you speak to me. The way you casually let me know that you have an ex girlfriend now (I don't believe it). What are we doing? Can I get closer to you? Too hot to touch, white sun that you are. Flip flopping my heart and confusing my brain. Can you come over? Can I take you home? Can we go for a walk? Can I watch you doing homework at the kitchen table? Yours is a family I know I could love because I already do. I knew you last but I like you the most. I still don't know why. You don't need fixing, I don't see the cracks and hurt and pain. You are aware of your upbringing and have seemingly dealt with it. Could you tuck me in? Could you get close to me? Could we be in love someday? You'll be that dad so practical who tells his kids that Santa is actually you and they will not be sad about it. No dissillusion with you, but maybe you could let me be the shine, the surprise, the magic. I bet we could.