Like a whole bucket of stars

Tomorrow afternoon I will carry myself across the threshold of home ownership. I have ordered custom "I moved" announcements; this seems appropriate as it isn't fair for us single girls that we have to wait to get married and have a baby before we can announce anything. I did this on my own and I am damn proud of it.

I am visualizing cleaning out my cabinets and lining them with pretty oilcloth. Washing and stacking the Fiestware that has been packed away, patiently awaiting the day that it could fulfill it's dishware destiny. Buying a refrigerator was so exhilarating one would have thought Ryan Gosling himself sold it to me.

I need a chimney sweep but I won't let him in the house unless he looks like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

 

I have more shopping to do; I have a dining room table but no chairs. I have carpeting but no vacuum, I have highball glasses but no liquor to put in them. 

I feel so calm now. So free and calm. 

May the bridges I burn light the way.

Timing is Everything?

I made the mistake of telling a total stranger that I met at a bar how I felt about an old guy friend. The stranger was also a man and I am telling you this so as not to cause any further confusion. He was around in the years I was here before and we were very good friends then and very good friends now. I care for him dearly and now I am back and the 'olden' days are cropping back up and I feel as if I am standing, yet again, at square one. For someone as forward as I am it is totally unreasonable for me to just keep my mouth shut about it...but I do. As much as I know my body begs for a kiss from him it is almost uncanny how I am able to restrain myself; I don't want to be hurting anymore and I don't want to hurt myself with him. I get angry about it too because there was about five minutes five years ago where I could have put down the tray of Everclear jello shots and just laid one on him and it would have been totally called for. Now...now I think I almost prefer to be at arms length...we are very different from eachother, I broke away from that life for the most part and although I am still friends with that crowd mainly I just want other things. When I told the stranger this he got so irritated with me because he felt that men today were made to feel like they have to make the first move and that is unfair because "we aren't mindreaders" blah blah blah. I am not saying that at all but honestly, beginning to start anew with someone is more than mildly terrifying to me at this point. i feel as if I was reaching for something and my hand was repeatedly slapped away to the point where I know better now...I anticipate the sting so I don't feel the need to try. He is kind...he was always kind. The life I thought I wanted for myself really wasn't the life I needed. I am much to independent and that ubiquitous characteristic will always be the first thing any intelligent man will see. Is that the reason I told my ex that if we ever lived together that I would need my own room? Do I really do much better on my own? I have proved this already by fighting fiercely for what I have now. Do I really need a companion to help make my life more vibrant and meaningful? No, I don't think so. I have always wanted a lover who was my friend; I have only had this once before. After many years of hurt and anger I have finally let it go and now we talk regularly on the phone and it is much more fulfilling to me than his lust obsessions of the past ever were.
I can remember laying in my bed on an insanely sweltering summer day listening to Etta James on my player, thinking about him. Wondering when I would see him again if only to smile and have him smile back, hazel eyes dazzling me like diamonds. I think this is all a moot point, I love him and he loves me and yet maybe we would just be better off never acknowledging this to each other.