Oklahoma

It is such a strange part of my life. Was its  purpose solely to get me to move to Utah? I don't know anymore. Now it just remembers in the strangest ways with even stranger people. 

When I got there I thought it would be just Katie and I, two sisters living our lives and trying to make a go of things. Kelly through a monkey wrench into any fantasy I had imagined of a utopian society in rural Norman, Oklahoma. I transferred to the Robinson Starbucks and knew almost immediately how different I was. There was a strong sense of Christ in the air and "True Love Waits" rings on clean, white hands that can only be found in a town in a notch of the Bible Belt. I got a part time evening job at IHOP to escape the wrath of Kelly and maybe make a few friends. IHOP in a college town is like a small circle of hell. Cigarette smoke, black coffee and me in my smart little IHOP uniform with a pink necktie. I hated it. I hated the jerkoff OU football players and their rude girlfriends, entire Sororities and Frats would come in and stiff the waitress on half the bill. The manager was an old man who never responded to the cashiers distress button and when questioned about it replied with a smug "I wanted to see how you handled it." My coworkers were a rag tag group of nobodies. One Korean fellow brought a gun to work in is lowered Mitsubishi and then subsequently set the dumpster in the back on fire when he himself was fired. Another was a compulsive liar and notorious thief who would steal just about anything. He was fired for eating leftover food from a customer's All-You-Can-Eat shrimp plate. Another was dating a dishwasher while dealing with her ex boyfriend who used to punch her out nightly. Another invited me over for the 6am party shift- the time when servers all over the country get off work and then go party until noon and then go to bed. I fell asleep in his recliner and woke up to him trying to undress me while one of his hands groped my breasts. His girlfriend was asleep upstairs. 

Thinking

I thought about it whilst in the parking lot. Thought about it in the shower. Visualized the take off and fantasized the entry. I was shaky and distracted at work because I just kept seeing those soft lips rounding out my face pressing into another's for that single tender morsel of affection. Seashell lamps and glass jewelry cases, pearls and garnets and special places. A kiss, and then another. I could never just wish for one when I would want all the others too. It isn't enough, it'll never be enough. I desire a romance that burns bright and steady, white hot and strong. Let me have the chance again, where is my lover man. Secret agent, dapper man, let him kiss me all he wants. Take his girl and show her his offerings. Our gifts are our strengths and we don't carry reciepts for weaknesses. We'll be too busy kissing to find fault. 

Give a little more

I'm just laying here on the sofa, stoned on Neko, Fiona and Amy. The rush has run through and I'm coming down a little rough, feeling messy and sweaty. I'm trying goddammit I'm trying again. Move fast and you're manic move slow and you're depressed, I can't win. I do wish I could pay someone to come take all of my Christmas decorations down and pack them back away until November 2015. The future. We are living for the future while wearing clothes of the past. I fucked up somewhere. There are some regrets, some things I would change. Anyone who says they wouldn't just has to be lying. Bold moves. No one can ever say I didn't make bold moves. I'm one huge bold move. 

Resolute

NPay off my credit card debt!

Put my finances in clear order and meet with an advisor regarding my long term outlook.

Travel to Europe

Donate more clothing/ Home Goods 

Volunteer at the SLCAP food pantry

Take even better care of my skin. Water, moisturizer and rest.

Get the front or back part of my bathroom remodeled.

Have a light installed in the hallway

Take baby kitty to the vet 

Start contributing more to my IRA

Visit Baltimore 

Write/ Send more letters

Practice my calligraphy 

Keep working with CLC and get involved in Craft Sabbath also. 

Write an article for SLUG

Donate blood at least once a month

Volunteer at Best Friends with Ashley

Read/ craft/ create before bed

Try to get to work on time! I am losing about 15 min a shift=1 hour every 4 shifts! 

Do a Vive juice cleanse 3x in 2015

Make valentines for my friends this year

Get a giant tree for my bedroom

Put a little vanity in the guest room with tri-fold mirror and little stool

Make at least 5 new friends

Volunteer at museums and with creative arts and science organizations 

Smile liberally