Sick, Sad World

 I wish I had someone to dictate my life story to. I wish I had someone who could hear every drop of my life the past 28 years and would have some keen, all-knowing answer for me. I want to have it type written in old courier text and bound with a cover that doubles as a mirror; I could have been born into anyone and yet I was born as me. 

I write so much about relationships and heartache and truth and respect and wanting and needing and reading over myself I know how high my bar is set. I realize that it is a very real possibility that I will never find "the one" that I will spend the rest of my life with. This makes me cry but I know that the person I am has a lot to do with it. I tread uneasily at first, so uneasily I don't even tread, I cancel, like I did with my Craigslist date. I felt like he quite possibly lived at home with his mother and wasn't employed and those things were on my list and I am sticking to my list. 

Or, I would have stuck to my list. Baron (remember? barebonebacon= run away); you can refresh here, here, here, and here, and I have/ were? talking again? I say "were" because the minute I even mentioned something that could "out" him for being the closeted deviant that he is could get him kicked out of the Navy. I almost got that spark that something in him started to turn for the better. I had hoped he realized he has a problem and knows that something can be done about it and he will just magically wake up one day and smile and want to meet people and pursue other hobbies and interests that don't involve sex in any way, shape or form. He will talk to his parents about why he resents them and they will say "We already know all about you, we knew you were struggling as a child with being overly and inappropriately sexualized and instead of taking you to therapy we enrolled you in karate and other activities hoping it would move your mind in a different direction and it didn't. We failed you on that part and we are sorry." It's a sad story, it really is. It's disgusting to me that they know, even now they know EVERYTHING fucked up that he is into online and they still can't bring themselves to confront him about it. What are parents for if not to tell you when you are destroying your life? He could be a perfectly normally fucked up human being like the rest of us and instead he is a perfectly fucked up emotionally traumatized human being who will never be happy in anything he does because he hates everything except the sensation of ejaculate leaving his penis. That is the only thing he truly loves; if he lost his eyesight and his penis he would probably kill himself.  I remind myself time and time again about him and what he is capable of and I just...keep reaching for him. He lives in a world I will never understand, he truly is too emotionally disturbed and intelligent to save. He will be someone that goes out and kills people some day for no reason other than his own made up, warped ideas of the way things are and how they should be. I do not for one second think I will ever feel 100% safe in my life and if I move on with another person I will always wonder if he will hurt them if only to hurt me. He made himself into a monster and he wears it proudly. The Navy is the only thing keeping him reigned in at this point and I am concerned for the well being of those around him if he leaves. I made a comment about a really stupidly inappropriate image he made for me and I threatened to send it to the military police on his base and he blocked me, he fucking blocked me. This is a person who holds on to everything for posterity; it frankly shocked me that he would be so moved by that statement. Is that really hitting him wear it hurts? It hardly seems like it, but I guess he likes his squadron thinking he is just a normal, heterosexual male with no red flags anywhere near him. It really does take too much to touch him. In twenty years, where will I be with my knowledge of him? Will I feel like I missed out on my "one, true love" because he was so deranged I couldn't deal with it? Is this a punishment for some tort I committed in another life? I can't help him, he won't let me. I can't love him, he won't allow me. I can't save him, he doesn't think he needs saving. I can't change him, he made himself this way. I can't convince him, he swears he is of a higher intellect. I can walk away, but no matter which direction I run I end up facing him. 

 

For A Good Time, Call...

It all started when Bre asked "Can I make you a Plenty of Fish.com account?"
Me: "Why?
Bre: "So I can troll for guys and look for people I know"
Me: "Ok sure, but you have to be completely honest!"

So it begins...

About Me:

     I'm temperamental. I like to have presents bought for me but not in a manipulative way. I want someone who has a job so they'll leave me alone while I'm at work. My ex boyfriend had a porn/webcam girl addiction so I'm totally not into that. I have friends and I enjoy going out. 

First Date 

     My perfect first date would include being picked up in a car owned by you. We would go to some place that is significant or important to you in some way. You don't ask me what I want to do the entire time. Or you can just take me to X-Wife's where you know it's cash only beforehand without being told. 

This is basically Bre and I but with a computer and multiple Iphones

And that's it! A couple of pics later and I am being bombarded by requests for godknowswhat. I had one guy write to me saying he was moving to SLC from Hawaii and he wanted someone to take care of him because he was going blind but he wanted someone attractive. Are you fucking kidding me? 

I was ready to delete it the next day but I swear I can't figure out how to just delete it, it only lets me hide it. So ok, Bre can still look for guys while no one bothers me, fine. I have a favorite past time of cruising Craigslist ads looking for guys who are brazen enough to post dick pics with their faces showing. I giggle and laugh and move on to the next one, very rarely do I actually take the initiative to respond to one because hello I am just there to look, my romantic interest is fucking ZERO at this point. My last date was totally shot to hell before it began and I still have the pleasure of running into that guy seemingly everywhere I go and even though my friends know him and what a dumbass he was to me they are still drunkenly nice to him out of pity for having unimpressed me so much. Anyway, after perusing for awhile I click on an ad that basically sounds like my love affair for my own body but it was written by a man. He is young and lives downtown so for some reason I think it would be a good idea to contact this guy. Ugh, sometimes I want to punch myself in the face. The first time B and I went out I remember thinking "What the fucking hell am I doing!? I don't do things like this, this isn't me."  but then I just fell so in love with him so quickly I totally forgot I was ever nervous about it in the first place. So I email this guy and he emails me back a short note and a pic of himself and holyfuckingshithell this is one of the guys from POF that sent me a message! What a coincidence right? You go looking in the dregs of society (ie: POF, Craigslist) and the dregs of society you shall find. He seems really forward and wants me to describe my every sexual fantasy in detail to him and I told him to "shut up because this conversation will be over if you keep up this dirty talk." I thought that would scare him off, it's amazing to me he wasn't scared off by my vivid About Me account, I guess he is thinking fat girls are easy? SO...in the spirit of true brazenness, I agreed to meet him at Liberty Park this Saturday afternoon. 
What am I thinking? I honestly have no idea. I am attempting to branch out and meet people and this isn't the way I would have planned it, it worries me he is on the internet and has craigslist ads, I can't take another person wholeheartedly in love with their computer and not me. I enlisted my cousin and friend to trail us around the park to make sure he doesn't kidnap me into his molester van. 
A girl has to start somewhere right? I am betting this won't work out and hopefully it will translate into a funny story later, there is no way in hell would I ever date someone I met online.