Hot piss

The ringing in my ears is deafening. It's absolutely awful and it makes me wonder if I have tinnitus. I feel like that man we saw on the escalator at White Marsh mall all those years ago when I thought you loved me. He was in his wheelchair going down an escalator backwards. I feel that way now; feel like I am waiting to just tip over and crack my skull open while the mall watches me bleed to death. There is no relief from uncertainty. No salve that could soothe how chapped in the heart I feel right now. It's hardly back to square one for me. I think I managed to throw my body into an alternate universe; one I never cared to visit and now just made me an honorary citizen. How will the bills get paid? How will I survive? I can't technically work and I am in a weird limbo where the bar is set a 1/4" from the floor. I have a lot of correspondence to catch up on, a lot of soul searching to do. I say that like Soul-Searching= spending more time at the City Library, reading, cutting out magazine clippings, staring off into space, writing in my diary, drinking root beer and vodka, wondering where I will end up, doubting myself. So Soul-Searching isn't going the best I guess.  Calgon take me away.