All the time in the world

My nails are long now. I can drag them along things and they feel sharp. I can paint them so many colors and not care now. I am reading a book about the history of beekeeping. I applied for food stamps but I probably won't get them because my IRA has a gazillion dollars in it. I have had a steady paycheck since I was 15 and the total amount of time I went without a job is a grand total of 3 months. That's it. I've spent almost half my life paying taxes and now that I am asking for assistance I can't recieve it because I did what the government told me to do: save for retirement because social security probably won't exist by the time I'm 65. The irony of it all. I want a haircut. Bre says that when you have something major happen to you in life you should go get a haircut. If I got one now it would only serve to conceal my identity from my former employers. She wants my bangs back but I feel they make me look childish. 

This is what my hair looked like this morning after camping and not showering for a few days. It was a grease ball in the back and a desert up front. 

Camping was a beautiful, wild, amazing bonding experience made possible by six (seven including myself) equally wild and amazing girls. We swam in the Portneuf, Lava Hot Springs Inn hot pools, and Formation Springs. We drank Long Islands and "smoothie" shots bought by over zealous locals. Rachel had a dance off with a few underage (they looked 17) boys and danced her ass off. We flirted and laughed and walked back to camp drunk as shit. Mandy almost cut her finger off with a hatchet chopping kindling at 2am. I had to force first aid with a bottle of vodka, gauze and paper towels. We were protected by two pitbulls and a sweet chihuahua. Four of us were menstruating and afraid bears would attack at the first whiff of blood. We had campstove tacos, Dutch oven French toast and picnic caprese sandwiches. We climbed into a cave and explored and got spooked. It was fantastic; I'm lucky to know these girls and get to do things like this. 

Campsite one

Only the necessities of course.

The cave

Upper bench of the cave

Formation Springs, we all jumped into the clear, blue water. It is absolutely freeeeezing and there is no way to prepare yourself for it. You have to just let go and jump and feel your heart stop momentarily. The minute you emerge it's like magic and you are alive and a woman and free and you are in this beautiful place with wonderful people and nothing could truly ever hurt you because you were brave enough to stand that ice cold water. 

I need some time. I need to apply myself to school and friends. When he texts me again I won't say no. I will say yes and drink his wine and I won't care that he lives in godawful West Valley. He has a job and hobbies and I need to allow myself to date and not turn my cheek at every boy who tries to speak to me. I can't hold them all responsible for my busted heart and bruised ego. I don't have to bring them home if I don't want to; I always act like its for forever and I know that isn't my reality. Other girls get a "forever" and I get a "for right now." I have to remember that it isn't about being right, it's about being kind. Giving in isnt weakness, it is strength in acknowledging someone else's feelings; which is disgustingly difficult for me to do apparently. I've been selfish for so long I just assume I will and should always have the first kiss and the last dance.