Sick, Sad World

 I wish I had someone to dictate my life story to. I wish I had someone who could hear every drop of my life the past 28 years and would have some keen, all-knowing answer for me. I want to have it type written in old courier text and bound with a cover that doubles as a mirror; I could have been born into anyone and yet I was born as me. 

I write so much about relationships and heartache and truth and respect and wanting and needing and reading over myself I know how high my bar is set. I realize that it is a very real possibility that I will never find "the one" that I will spend the rest of my life with. This makes me cry but I know that the person I am has a lot to do with it. I tread uneasily at first, so uneasily I don't even tread, I cancel, like I did with my Craigslist date. I felt like he quite possibly lived at home with his mother and wasn't employed and those things were on my list and I am sticking to my list. 

Or, I would have stuck to my list. Baron (remember? barebonebacon= run away); you can refresh here, here, here, and here, and I have/ were? talking again? I say "were" because the minute I even mentioned something that could "out" him for being the closeted deviant that he is could get him kicked out of the Navy. I almost got that spark that something in him started to turn for the better. I had hoped he realized he has a problem and knows that something can be done about it and he will just magically wake up one day and smile and want to meet people and pursue other hobbies and interests that don't involve sex in any way, shape or form. He will talk to his parents about why he resents them and they will say "We already know all about you, we knew you were struggling as a child with being overly and inappropriately sexualized and instead of taking you to therapy we enrolled you in karate and other activities hoping it would move your mind in a different direction and it didn't. We failed you on that part and we are sorry." It's a sad story, it really is. It's disgusting to me that they know, even now they know EVERYTHING fucked up that he is into online and they still can't bring themselves to confront him about it. What are parents for if not to tell you when you are destroying your life? He could be a perfectly normally fucked up human being like the rest of us and instead he is a perfectly fucked up emotionally traumatized human being who will never be happy in anything he does because he hates everything except the sensation of ejaculate leaving his penis. That is the only thing he truly loves; if he lost his eyesight and his penis he would probably kill himself.  I remind myself time and time again about him and what he is capable of and I just...keep reaching for him. He lives in a world I will never understand, he truly is too emotionally disturbed and intelligent to save. He will be someone that goes out and kills people some day for no reason other than his own made up, warped ideas of the way things are and how they should be. I do not for one second think I will ever feel 100% safe in my life and if I move on with another person I will always wonder if he will hurt them if only to hurt me. He made himself into a monster and he wears it proudly. The Navy is the only thing keeping him reigned in at this point and I am concerned for the well being of those around him if he leaves. I made a comment about a really stupidly inappropriate image he made for me and I threatened to send it to the military police on his base and he blocked me, he fucking blocked me. This is a person who holds on to everything for posterity; it frankly shocked me that he would be so moved by that statement. Is that really hitting him wear it hurts? It hardly seems like it, but I guess he likes his squadron thinking he is just a normal, heterosexual male with no red flags anywhere near him. It really does take too much to touch him. In twenty years, where will I be with my knowledge of him? Will I feel like I missed out on my "one, true love" because he was so deranged I couldn't deal with it? Is this a punishment for some tort I committed in another life? I can't help him, he won't let me. I can't love him, he won't allow me. I can't save him, he doesn't think he needs saving. I can't change him, he made himself this way. I can't convince him, he swears he is of a higher intellect. I can walk away, but no matter which direction I run I end up facing him.