Private Dick

Have you ever felt like you were being followed? Everyone stalks these days, whether they readily admit it or not, they do. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram have highlighted the voyeur in us all and if you told me you never searched for the Mean Girl from 8th grade or your elementary school crush and then followed their profiles for at least a week I would probably call you a liar.

The men of Bored to Death, probably stoned and drunk on white wine

I got to live out one of my fantasy careers last night while staking out my co-workers husband. She is convinced that he is cheating on her with a waitress at the restaurant where he works. She felt desperate enough to come to me for help (people have always felt comfortable with asking me for unconventional favors). I told her I would bring my cousin along for assistance in our surveillance. We had to be discreet, we definitely had to be sober and in no way could we giggle. This was a serious matter and it required serious women.

Operation Silvestre
9:00pm: We head to Starbucks for a pre-stakeout coffee and restroom break
9:15pm: On the road heading to south Salt Lake City
9:40pm: We arrive at our targets place of business, we park directly behind him so as to get a good view of the suspects in question.
9:45pm: The cheating husband in question still has another 15 minutes before his work closes, Bre and I check my POF account and take another restroom break at a nearby hotel.
10:00pm: I receive a phone call from my co-worker, she is in the parking lot to but on the other side of us. She is hiding in the backseat while my other two coworkers are surveying the vicinity. I tell her to lay low.
10:15pm: The dishwasher leaves leaving only two cars in the parking lot, presumably the suspect and the co-worker who may be the female he is cheating with.
10:20pm: Bre and I do a perimeter check and surround the building. We look very suspicious already because we are two of the whitest girls in a largely Hispanic neighborhood. Bre smokes cigarettes and I yell angrily to no one in my phone.
10:21pm: Suspect and Hispanic female are spotted through a plate glass window. They are talking and it is hard to see them because the restaurant is dark.
10:22pm: We walk back to the car and stand outside smoking. The suspect comes out and gets something out of his car and goes back in. He seems a tad leery of Bre and I and rightfully so, we are totally spying on him.
10:23pm: My co-worker calls and asks if we saw what he got out of the car; she thinks it was a condom.
10:25pm: My co-worker calls again and asks us to another perimeter search. We get out and walk to the side of the buisness where it looks like they are in the back room. I don't see any damning evidence and we make our way back to the car.
10:35pm My co-worker calls AGAIN and says she just called her husband and he said there were still customers in the restaurant. Obviously this is a lie, he says he will be home in 20 minutes.
10:45pm: No sign of the suspect and the female co-worker. Whatever they are doing, it's happening out of our sight.
10:55pm: My co-worker calls YET AGAIN and says she just called her husband and he told her he was getting on the freeway now. I feel awful for her that he is lying but we still have no rock-solid evidence of anything thus far.
11:00pm: we move the surveillance car to the other side of the parking lot, I believe the suspect knows he is being watched but that could have been just me being paranoid.
11:15pm: Suspect and female co-worker FINALLY leave a full hour and fifteen minutes after the restaurant closed and an hour after the last employee left. It is clear to me that they were POSSIBLY fooling around.
11:17pm: We begin following the female co-worker home, she definitely knows we are following her and does everything in her power to lose us on the highway but she doesn't. She is trailed to the 1300 South exit off of I-215. We follow her down to Emery Street and hang back so as not to spook her. We are overtaken by a truck turning left and we momentarily lose her. After cruising the streets looking for her Jeep we finally decide that we were evaded. I check my phone and see that my co-worker has called me 12 times! I call her back and let her know that she should probably hire a real P.I. if she plans on getting any solid picture and surveillance evidence against him.
11:30pm: Bre and I decide to get french fries and go home to watch the rest of episode 22 of season 4 of Toddlers & Tiaras before bed. The life of a private eye is a lonely one.

Lesson learned? I don't know, I do feel awful for my co-worker though. Being a woman scorned myself I guess I just relate to that desperate feeling you get when you feel like you have no choice. Luckily for me, I was not married with children and I could easily step away from my shitty situation.  I don't know if I will ever be really good at stalking someone, I am not very covert but it was sort of fun to stake someone out, and sort of boring.

CRUSHED.PEARLS PRIVATE DICK PLAYLIST

1. Nightcall by Kavinsky
2. Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos
3. All of Fever Ray
4. Kid by The Pretenders
5. Demons by Sleigh Bells
6. All Your Gold by Bat For Lashes
7. Tigerlily by La Roux
8. Pyramids by Frank Ocean