Dear Diary

I am living with my cat, a dead tarantula and lots of mice in my grandmothers basement.

Sounds like a joke.

But it isn't.

After almost five years away from SLC I am back.
I traded in what I ?had? for the hometown I so desperately  wanted.

I broke up with B in May but I think he had broken up with me that fourth of July the previous year. I had pointed out quite violently what he already knew he was: a monster. He isn't strong-hearted enough to break up with anyone so he allowed me to apologize (which I shouldn't have) and then let me retract my statement (which I absolutely shouldn't have). We then carried on with me doing all the carrying as usual in my relationships.

Being in the midst of a full-blown meltdown didn't seem all that meltdown-y at the time. I see now that I handled it just as graciously as any girl in my position and mind set could. Realizing that the one and only reason I would even consider staying in a place that made me cringe was the promise that he loved me and wanted to build a life with me; that is truly pathetic. I had sacrificed so much to build what I thought was my forever; I apologized and said "I can't" to friends, weekends, school, and even parts of myself for him. When I undressed his personality and peeled off those military issue glasses, he was nothing more than ashes of the person he probably would have been had he not turned into the person he, in reality, turned out to be. It all blew away.

I had my job that I loved but they liked holding that carrot in my face to see how fast and far I would run for it with no merit. I realize what a detriment it is to my job hunting now because the job title I had was not the job title I performed and excelled at. That is no way to live.

I gave up approx 180lbs of a man for a freedom that I myself would tell any woman she deserved and I took way too long reminding myself of that. I know in my heart that he felt for me 1/100 of the way I felt for him.

My throat gets that ache, that stinging hurt that sits right above my heart and then burns behind my eyes and that means I am about to cry. What's a girl to do? "you want a fairytale but you don't want to sacrifice anything for it" will stay with me forever, you dick.