sex addicts and fiestaware

I attended my first meeting today. I have never been a part of a 12 step program before and it wasn't like i envisioned. 

I laughed, I cried, I cried some more. It was helpful to be able to tell total strangers how I feel like I have been living a lie not just the past two years of my life but the last four. How I am afraid that I am going to not recognize the signs of a co-dependent relationship and fall back into the same patterns. These are valid fears and something I will be working on for a long time to come. I can hope and pray that this is just one of those life lessons that I finally needed to have. I was angry on the drive home: "Why the fuck should I have to deal with this on top of everything that has occurred in the last four years, how come this is my life? How come this is warranted; if everything happens for a reason then what is the reasoning for this!?"
This is a lesson I have not yet learned. I can pretend and dance around the issues all I want but in the end, they always come back to haunt me. Maybe this broken relationship hurts more now because my clock is ticking and I thought we were moving forward in our all-american dream: house, car, mommy, daddy, baby. I never properly dealt with the issues of my other broken relationships; trust, communication, geography, needs and wants etc. These things are true about my last relationship: I was verbally abused; I was afraid of the red flags but stayed in because I wanted the companionship. I allowed him to manipulate me. I have no sense of proportion...he is incredible at compartmentalization, we were both screwed from the start.


I was told that "If I want to feel sad I should live in the past, if I want to feel anxious I should focus on the future, but if I want to feel happiness I should live in the now."
All I can think of is Garth in Wayne's World saying "Live in the NOW!"

I have been reading She's Come Undone. This is one of those books that I have carried with me through the years; I first read it when I was thirteen. I appreciate the fact that this book was written by a man and yet is probably the closest thing to the "female experience" as far as fiction books are concerned. This is one of the cathartic activities I have been trying to reintroduce back into my life. Other cathartic activities that need to come back: writing in my journal (this blog is pretty much that but you don't get to know everything), pastels, yoga... there are others but I haven't done them in so long I cannot remember.

After my meeting, I made my way to Ellicott City for some shopping. I had forgotten it was a Saturday and that meant other people who were there for the same thing I was: antiques, live music and atmosphere. I was really there to shop for some Fiestaware. Now that I am going to be living on my own again, I decided I would do something I always wanted to do: collect Fiestaware! I have always loved the art deco shapes and bright colors and moving in to my new apt next month makes me want to have Fiesta. So I wandered around and poked and prodded and saw a few things but nothing mind blowing. I settled for four yellow dessert plates and a soup plate for $25.

a vintage red carafe with intact cork.

I just want to live. Alone or with someone else, i just want a life.