He sent me into a tail spin this morning by just "liking" a photo, not even one of me but one that belonged to me. I see it almost immedietly and I wonder why...and then I'm sad because I'm lonely for his body, his tall frame towing over me and giving me that dumb, dopey eyes look he's so famous for. I've been thinking about him and I wish there was some way to work through it all but I know that timing is never on my side except when it comes to other things. And then I'm out at Passion Flour with Bri and in walks another man who dissapointed me at one point. He saw me once after he made me upset at last years Urban Flea Market and he waved to me and I saw and then ignored him. He saw me today and made a move and then backed away, like I was a viper he thought was a garter snake. I don't even want to think about that part of my life, it doesn't exist. I kiss a boy and I fall in love and I just don't know any better; don't know how to not fall in love, there is always something I like or I don't even bother in the first place. One night stands are for people who have nothing better to do with themselves. It's all I can do to not look at his face on the book and dream about that mouth, once so familiar and now full of strange stories and new methods of exploration. I want that suffocating pressure to make me lose my breath, remind me what it is to be a woman. Friction is occurring, he only works a few blocks away and I had my opportunity to make an appearance and yet I couldn't bear it if he looked at me the wrong way. All these years, almost 10 of them and still I am worried for his approval, junked out by his hands on my breasts and ass. I wanna be there, back in my bedroom that day we were alone and fucking. What's fair anymore? What are the rules now? I'm older, I can support the expense.
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