Sandollarmillionaire

I'm laying in my parents secret loft nook high above their two story condo and even higher than the condo below them. I can hear cars moving quickly on the 5 Pacific Coast Highway. They have families and homes to go to, or homes and families to get away from. I can close my eyes and imagine that whirring rush is actually the Pacific Ocean lapping against the San Diego bay but it only takes a half second to realize that it's way less romantic than that. My time here has been roughly soothing. I forget how to relax. I forget how to be smooth and free and non committal. I have headaches and cannot sleep at night and then feel lethargic and unhappy during the day. It's hard to be unhappy here though. Southern California feels like the archetypical grandmothers kitchen. Sunny, warm, refreshing and breezy. You know you are so loved, you know there are going to be soft, chewy cookies waiting on the counter for you. There are flowers everywhere and a cool sea breeze kisses your cheeks at just the moment you begin to feel flushed and uneasy. The palm trees tower, the bougainvillea climbs and the crepe myrtle blossom in December. It doesn't feel like Christmas here, people are surfing.  I walked in to downtown Carlsbad today and drank a mimosa and ate a nothing special breakfast. I walked around with the sun on my face and it felt clean. Yesterday my mother and I went to Cockleburre beach to wait for my dad to get off of work. It was an odd low tide and the ocean had peeled its layers from the shore enough to show its treasure. I found a sand dollar. I saw it laying there perfectly poised and waiting for me. I cannot express the surge of pleasure I felt in that moment. During the early 1990's, while my father was away fighting in the Gulf War, my mother, siblings and I lived in crumbling base housing right on the coast of North Carolina. Growing up near a beach was a constant reminder of how I was a mermaid and my legs were not really mine. My one childish desire was to find a sand dollar. I searched every chance that I got but never found one. I am twenty eight years old now and it is Christmas Eve eve and I am walking along the beach before sunset with my beautiful mother and here is this skeleton of a sea creature that I have searched for for years, just laying there glowing gray in the setting sun light. Perfectly perfect. 

I'm having a good time. I'm relaxing, or trying to. I need this. I deserve this.