Speechless

The wax on my fire sprinkler has reached its melting point. The jets of water are a half a second from spewing forth enough force to knock a girl to her knees and leave her feeling blindsided and soaked through. I remember when I felt this afraid. I remember when this uncertainty crippled me mentally, emotionally. The headaches, the twitching eye lids, the pervasive fear of what was over the edge. I have cut my nose off to spite my face before, and I say I grew a better looking nose back. But can I get away with it again? Now? Maybe this time it's my ear, or lips or twitchy eyelid? I quit Starbucks and it made my career take on a whole new existence, it changed me, made me confident and sure. Can I quit my job and go to school full time? In 3 years I will have my BA in Recreation Therapy if I want to, I really could. Hearing myself say it out loud and then thinking "I could do this." makes me cry. I sob and weep and carry on like I haven't in awhile. I can't believe it could be really true, I can do this and just like everything else I can do this myself. I could take a year off to get my AA and then matriculate and before you can say "alumni" I'll be doing what I came here to do, for keeps this time. I have reached the pinnacle of where I can go and what I can do here until I finish school. I'm moving too fast for even me now, I am scaring myself with how quick I adapt. Is this the scariest thing I will have done this far? Maybe. Leaving Starbucks after six years was pretty fucking heavy. Quitting the work force all together is...unspeakable. Do people with mortgages do things like this? How do they survive? It's all so emotional for me, this yearning and completeness I know will be there for me is the true oasis in this desert of my "career." The tears come, the years feel like nothing. I spent four years watching my brother achieve his young ambition and now it will finally be ok for me to let go and fall straight into the uncertainty that I make a point never to experience. I thrive on knowing, I am a clairvoyant for everyone but myself. My cards say I have the ship, anchor, heart, lilies, clouds, fox, park, star, and key. They are just symbols on cards. My life is like a Chinese fan opening up. My life is like Esther Williams in Ziegfeld Follies. My life is like a cat o nine tails. My life is like a broken magic 8 ball. It is decidedly so.