Work work work work work

I cut myself to close. My relationships with lovers are non existent because I am in love with someone else, myself. In order to keep this relationship going I never slow down. Over booking days to trade in as texts apologizing for skipping that drink or lunch or walk. When I'm in school I'm 100% in school, there's no half in for me...it's all or absolutely nothing and it never existed because I wouldn't have done it in the first place. This Summer was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be two classes, diversity in literature and painting. It was supposed to be library work and trying to volunteer again. It was supposed to be nothing like how it is right now...predictable, stable and controlled. I hadn't planned on Grandad dying. I hadn't planned on a fishing accident being the cause of his demise, someone so careful doesn't have accidents. I hadn't planned on the divers recovering his body from 36 feet deep at the bottom of the lake. I hadn't planned on Oklahoma and that almost week with my cousin and the vulnerable drunkeness of the entire experience. I hadn't counted on coming home to a writing job, one that actually paid something meaningful. I didn't realize the extent of what I would have to put up with though...the childish nature of working for someone who treats their business like a weekend hobby meant to garner friends and connections more than it was meant to actually assist someone. I hadn't counted on that other girl quitting and me having to pick up additional shifts, about 9, in order to fill in the gaps left by her. But in the midst of all of this I find myself outside more. I want to hike, even if I can't make it all the way. I want to walk around the park, even if it's so hot I can't breath. I want to run sometimes and that's even crazier. In the midst of all of this and despite everything this summer has already been I'm somehow finding time to do the strangest things. My days are fortune full, open to interpretation even though they are still structured. A map has always been my friend but never a necessity. I'll use it to take notes to reference later when I want to remember this time. The x marks the spot on my heart where whatever I'm looking for will inetivebly be...as long as I can stand the possibility that it will change.