Increasingly aware

I am easy to talk to sometimes. I can be so free and fun and non judgemental and I surprise myself sometimes by it. There are moments when I am listening to someone talk and I want to scream. I want to scratch and slap and spit in their face if only to get them to understand. This feeling has felt less dominating since I haven't been working and my coworkers were a great source of contempt. I wake up feeling guilty sometimes, wondering if I had just tried a little harder to make them understand...no...there was no way I could have a different outcome than the one that is my present. My guilt is residual left over from the old nag in me who wants to hold myself to the same standards as everyone else. I should be working, making enough money to pay for my home and groceries and baby kitty and a little fun and savings. I should be open to work whatever kind of job I am skilled in and not worry about what people will think of me. I judge people. I judge the people at fast food places and I really should be proud of them for working and doing something and serving me a spicy chicken sandwich at 2am if I feel like it. I judge the person who stands on the sidewalk in a furry pink gorilla costume, earbuds playing their choice tunes for dancing and waving a sign. I think "I feel bad for them" and when I see a homeless person who is in the same corner everyday waving their sign I feel disgust and I think "why doesn't he get a furry pink gorilla job?" Well, he probably feels bad for that person too. We give up some inkling of dignity when we work for someone other than ourselves. I was going to be an escort many, MANY moons ago. I had pictures taken and appropriate inappropriate clothing picked out. I knew the escort chant of "I can not condone or allow you to masturbate in front of me." I was told undercover cops will sometimes "simulate" masturbation in order to see if you recite those lines so they don't have to arrest you. Sometimes they will try to kiss you and touch you and if you allow so much as an ass grab that you can be arrested by them. I couldn't do it. I got a call saying that someone had requested me and another girl was going to come with me so I could be shadowed and watched and corrected in front of this man who wanted to pay for my time. I knew then I had to refuse; back out graciously. I thanked the Madame for the opportunity (reading that made me gag, but I did). I knew I would judge me; I would wonder where I had stuffed my dignity in order to be someone's fantasy for an hour or two. The money aside, I now know the price one pays when you cater to another's sexual perversions, fantasies. Maybe I feel like I have experienced so much more than other people so I feel confident in being a bitch and a know-it-all. Instead if it making me more of a vessel for others to pour their feelings and thoughts into I am simply a bowl of cement. I have lived about six whole lives and I am only twenty eight. I wish I could just listen. Even my lawyer told me to shut up. I just...can't. I want to work but I don't mix well with people who don't want to grow, change. I want to be helpful but I refuse my help to people who I judge to not "deserve" it. I will donate every piece of clothing and canned food in my house for charity but it's hard for me to give a person on the street spare change. I get angry at Bre for giving people cigarettes when I don't smoke and I wish she wouldn't either. I have a hard time with myself; extremely conflicted. I have hurt people and said horrible things to them because I knew what would hurt them and I went for the jugular. I wish I manifested gentleness rather than sour, mean spirited body language. I am abrupt and crass and loud and overwhelming. I know this, better than anyone I know this. I have to live with my bitter heart and sore tongue. One day, there will be no one left for me to tell anything to. I will have to sit and listen a wait for a voice that will never come because I wouldn't listen and the voice stopped trying to tell me whatever message it wanted to convey.