It's been years

Literally, years. 


I have been in Maryland for four years now. In that four years I:


* Quit my job at Starbucks that i thought would last FOREVER
* Started seeing my Ex D for a year or so and then found out through his mother that on a trip to Florida a few months before he had cheated on me with a girl and now they have a baby together, but they are not together. 
* Began working in what I think is my true professional calling: Recreation Therapy
* Re-connected with the man I thought was to be my husband, my true love B. And then two years later (now) I come to find out that he had been having online web cam girl relationships "with 100's of girls" on the internet and was/is financially supporting one of them. If you see Barebonebacon on your screen, run the fuck away. 
* Lived in a huge, expensive two bedroom, two bath, two living room, laundry room, kitchen, back porch, blah blah blah apartment and am now in the process of moving in to a one bedroom one bathroom third floor walkup; and i couldnt be happier.




I am ready to leave this place. I want to just throw it all down and say "Ok, Maryland. You WIN!" My heart feels like it cannot get any more dramatic and pathetic for me. You walk around trying to be a good person and do the "right" things. I listen to Neil Young "Heart of Gold" and i think "exactly." 

You put all your eggs in one basket and the basket keeps getting knocked out of your hand. With B, I didn't even WANT a relationship. He treated me so well in the beginning and I just felt so connected to him because we had met when we were younger (15,16) and had never had the chance to be together because dun dun DUN I had to leave Texas and move back to Maryland. I thought "Ok he is nothing like D, I am allowed to be happy and feel love and I'm worth it." and now fast forward all the way to today and what i would GIVE to whisper in my own ear "Don't go see him, just because fate brought him to Maryland it does not mean shit." The world is such a funny place now, with the internet. I feel empty inside. Not bad, like barren, but empty, like someone just took the trash out of my trash can. 


I am going to give her another year. Maryland can have one more year of my life. If the world doesn't end and I wake up on May 28th 2013, I will be packing a uhaul and heading back west to my life I left in Utah. A life in the mountains, with no car, with fresh air, with creeks and rattlesnakes. With old, good friends and Burts and Blue Plate and State Street. I feel healed and safe next to the Great Salt Lake. I feel alive with my toes warm in the springs in Meadow. I want to buy a home there and be a Rec Therapist and have my cat and dog and not work on the weekends and spend time with Oma. 


I get so angry when I think about how duped I feel. He is the one with the problem, I am the one driving over an hour every Saturday morning to Clarksburg to attend COSA meetings. It makes me furious that he let me believe his lie for so long. I should be grateful that it didn't last that long in the grand scheme of things; and i should know better that just because something looks good on paper and to everyone else around me, DOES NOT mean that it it bullshit proof. Nothing in this life is bullshit proof. 

So I guess I get to be angry for awhile. Angry but getting therapy. I just hope that when Chris Hansen asks B why he felt the need to visit an underage girls house for sex, that B remembers me saying "You are going to be on TV one day and then you are going to go to jail and I will be somewhere warm and comfortable with my children watching you throw your life away."