Gross

I am at Starbucks and this pervert is staring at my breasts like a starved wolf. He is wearing the same shirt I bought for another perverted, starved wolf ages ago. The reddish one with the black thin horizontal stripes. 

Well done Rebecky

All the boys I like are bad news. It isn't on purpose, honest. I seem to attract them and they attract me and that is that. I am continually telling myself to keep a close watch on this heart of mine ;) and yet I find it oh so easy to give it away to the baddest, most dangerous son of a bitch around. Alike seeks alike? I'm just as no good as they are. 

All the time in the world

My nails are long now. I can drag them along things and they feel sharp. I can paint them so many colors and not care now. I am reading a book about the history of beekeeping. I applied for food stamps but I probably won't get them because my IRA has a gazillion dollars in it. I have had a steady paycheck since I was 15 and the total amount of time I went without a job is a grand total of 3 months. That's it. I've spent almost half my life paying taxes and now that I am asking for assistance I can't recieve it because I did what the government told me to do: save for retirement because social security probably won't exist by the time I'm 65. The irony of it all. I want a haircut. Bre says that when you have something major happen to you in life you should go get a haircut. If I got one now it would only serve to conceal my identity from my former employers. She wants my bangs back but I feel they make me look childish. 

This is what my hair looked like this morning after camping and not showering for a few days. It was a grease ball in the back and a desert up front. 

Camping was a beautiful, wild, amazing bonding experience made possible by six (seven including myself) equally wild and amazing girls. We swam in the Portneuf, Lava Hot Springs Inn hot pools, and Formation Springs. We drank Long Islands and "smoothie" shots bought by over zealous locals. Rachel had a dance off with a few underage (they looked 17) boys and danced her ass off. We flirted and laughed and walked back to camp drunk as shit. Mandy almost cut her finger off with a hatchet chopping kindling at 2am. I had to force first aid with a bottle of vodka, gauze and paper towels. We were protected by two pitbulls and a sweet chihuahua. Four of us were menstruating and afraid bears would attack at the first whiff of blood. We had campstove tacos, Dutch oven French toast and picnic caprese sandwiches. We climbed into a cave and explored and got spooked. It was fantastic; I'm lucky to know these girls and get to do things like this. 

Campsite one

Only the necessities of course.

The cave

Upper bench of the cave

Formation Springs, we all jumped into the clear, blue water. It is absolutely freeeeezing and there is no way to prepare yourself for it. You have to just let go and jump and feel your heart stop momentarily. The minute you emerge it's like magic and you are alive and a woman and free and you are in this beautiful place with wonderful people and nothing could truly ever hurt you because you were brave enough to stand that ice cold water. 

I need some time. I need to apply myself to school and friends. When he texts me again I won't say no. I will say yes and drink his wine and I won't care that he lives in godawful West Valley. He has a job and hobbies and I need to allow myself to date and not turn my cheek at every boy who tries to speak to me. I can't hold them all responsible for my busted heart and bruised ego. I don't have to bring them home if I don't want to; I always act like its for forever and I know that isn't my reality. Other girls get a "forever" and I get a "for right now." I have to remember that it isn't about being right, it's about being kind. Giving in isnt weakness, it is strength in acknowledging someone else's feelings; which is disgustingly difficult for me to do apparently. I've been selfish for so long I just assume I will and should always have the first kiss and the last dance. 

Hot piss

The ringing in my ears is deafening. It's absolutely awful and it makes me wonder if I have tinnitus. I feel like that man we saw on the escalator at White Marsh mall all those years ago when I thought you loved me. He was in his wheelchair going down an escalator backwards. I feel that way now; feel like I am waiting to just tip over and crack my skull open while the mall watches me bleed to death. There is no relief from uncertainty. No salve that could soothe how chapped in the heart I feel right now. It's hardly back to square one for me. I think I managed to throw my body into an alternate universe; one I never cared to visit and now just made me an honorary citizen. How will the bills get paid? How will I survive? I can't technically work and I am in a weird limbo where the bar is set a 1/4" from the floor. I have a lot of correspondence to catch up on, a lot of soul searching to do. I say that like Soul-Searching= spending more time at the City Library, reading, cutting out magazine clippings, staring off into space, writing in my diary, drinking root beer and vodka, wondering where I will end up, doubting myself. So Soul-Searching isn't going the best I guess.  Calgon take me away. 

Bad dreams

I wake up from a nap and I feel terrible. I dreamt of an old lover and it's just awful. Oma's house is about six stories with a weird pool out back that feels haunted. He is there, upstairs, but with his girlfriend. There are lots of other people there but they are getting ready to leave. She is looking at him and he has his arm around her waist. I am in the basement in a small back bedroom that is supposedly very deep underground but I have windows that allow for an eerie, dusty kind of late afternoon sunlight. I know they are up there together, I know he loves her and doesn't remember who I am. In my dream I wake up and it is late. I hear them fighting and I hear her crying and telling him she is leaving him. I open my door and creep so quietly up the stairs. I barely crest the upper level when she sees me, looks me straight in the eye and says "I know what he is, what he does and so do you. Why are you still here?" He is standing there with a shirt on but no pants. His penis is exposed and normal-flaccid looking. He looks angry at me for being there. She turns around and walks out the front door, setting off an alarm. He stands there still staring at me; furious isn't the word. 

I wake up and it's obscenely hot in my room. My feverish dreams will only get worse as the temperatures rise. 

Be Proud

It has been strange not working. I wake up at 7:00am still and lay awake wondering what I will do today. Being on vacation is one thing, being suspended from work is an entirely different feeling. Keeping busy hasn't been hard; I am catching up on some housecleaning that has gone undone for a few months (think behind the fridge, under the stove, cleaning out cabinets, organizing my desk etc.) My dresser will always be haphazard, I like my jewelery thrown around, it makes me think I have more than I really do.

where did I put my red, white and blue sequined headband?

Another silver lining to this ridiculous mess is the amount of time I can dedicate to finding scholarships and people/businesses that will pay for me to go to college. This takes up approximately four hours each day spent searching, writing essays, filling out applications, submitting and updating.

This is me adjusting my glasses in order to better read the fine print

It is disheartening to see how many scholarships there aren't for women like me. It sucks to be made to feel "Oh, I came from a two parent home, wasn't a battered housewife or a single teen mom and am not a minority and so I don't qualify for MOST of the scholarships offered."

 One day, when I am comfortable enough to, I will have a scholarship program that is open to ALL women who dropped out of high school and got their GED immediately. Candidates will be more readily considered if they entered the workforce at a young age and then purchased a home before the age of thirty without a spouse or other means of financial support. My essay questions will include: 

"Describe in no more than 250 words a situation in your life

where you felt you had to make a difficult choice." and "What is your most favorite personal characteristic and how has it served you and your education."

 

 

This picture is of my Oma on what I believe is a 1940 Opel Kadett

 Anyway, It's PRIDE week here in Salt Lake City so Bre and I made badges as a show of support.

 

Maybe I'm amazed

Is it the shock of the century that people underestimate me? Or that they think I won't fight till the bitter end to protect myself and what I believe is right? There is a place in time for me, somewhere. I won't have to wonder or feel uncertainty; I'll have a few days or months or maybe years of just being happy and comfortable and definite. I feel like I get so excited for the unknown and then I get so nervous when it gets down to the nitty-gritty. 

My work situation is changing so incredibly fast and I got myself to this point and now I have to see it through. I never imagined I would get the opportunity to go back to school, especially not full-time, but I did and I am.  

Just like with everything else in my life, it's totally happenstance and out of nowhere. One thing is for damn sure though, I'll never change. I'll never stop being a whistle blower, I'll never put up with other people's bullshit, I'll never give in and I will take ALL the prisoners. Someday I will look back on all of this and laugh at how unbelievably fucking strong and smart I was and am and it will all be worth it. I just wish these people would go get a goddamn life.