Dear Diary

I am living with my cat, a dead tarantula and lots of mice in my grandmothers basement.

Sounds like a joke.

But it isn't.

After almost five years away from SLC I am back.
I traded in what I ?had? for the hometown I so desperately  wanted.

I broke up with B in May but I think he had broken up with me that fourth of July the previous year. I had pointed out quite violently what he already knew he was: a monster. He isn't strong-hearted enough to break up with anyone so he allowed me to apologize (which I shouldn't have) and then let me retract my statement (which I absolutely shouldn't have). We then carried on with me doing all the carrying as usual in my relationships.

Being in the midst of a full-blown meltdown didn't seem all that meltdown-y at the time. I see now that I handled it just as graciously as any girl in my position and mind set could. Realizing that the one and only reason I would even consider staying in a place that made me cringe was the promise that he loved me and wanted to build a life with me; that is truly pathetic. I had sacrificed so much to build what I thought was my forever; I apologized and said "I can't" to friends, weekends, school, and even parts of myself for him. When I undressed his personality and peeled off those military issue glasses, he was nothing more than ashes of the person he probably would have been had he not turned into the person he, in reality, turned out to be. It all blew away.

I had my job that I loved but they liked holding that carrot in my face to see how fast and far I would run for it with no merit. I realize what a detriment it is to my job hunting now because the job title I had was not the job title I performed and excelled at. That is no way to live.

I gave up approx 180lbs of a man for a freedom that I myself would tell any woman she deserved and I took way too long reminding myself of that. I know in my heart that he felt for me 1/100 of the way I felt for him.

My throat gets that ache, that stinging hurt that sits right above my heart and then burns behind my eyes and that means I am about to cry. What's a girl to do? "you want a fairytale but you don't want to sacrifice anything for it" will stay with me forever, you dick.

This is the place

 

You never knew safety until you felt the awesome hug of the mountains. 

I had so many dreams where I was in Salt Lake doing the things i normally did: working at 4th South, hanging out at Litza's, going to the city library, kamikaze's at Burts. But then I would wake up and it would all be gone, I would be alone in Baltimore in the dark. 

Not anymore though, this heart on ice is packing it all in just like I have done so many times and is heading back to the place where I belong. 

I feel different, I am definitely older now but my feelings are changed, my outlook has shifted. I remember feeling the exact same way when I was living in Oklahoma almost nine years ago. I had no where to be, no place that felt special or people that i loved. When I moved to SLC then it was to help take care of my grandpa. It ended up turning in to my home and being a salve to my young self. I was healed by those mountains; I became a woman up there. 

 So now I return. I do not doubt Brigham Young's feelings at all when he saw the Salt Lake valley and knew "this is the place." This is the place. This is my place. And just like when Dorothy awoke from her concussion induced adventures and knew that home was the only place she wanted to be, I too realize just where my home is. I wish I could click my heels three times, but instead I will fork over $1400 for a Uhaul, have my dad drive my car (with cat and dog inside) and plan to stay in hotels along the way so I can get back to where I belong. 

It's been years

Literally, years. 


I have been in Maryland for four years now. In that four years I:


* Quit my job at Starbucks that i thought would last FOREVER
* Started seeing my Ex D for a year or so and then found out through his mother that on a trip to Florida a few months before he had cheated on me with a girl and now they have a baby together, but they are not together. 
* Began working in what I think is my true professional calling: Recreation Therapy
* Re-connected with the man I thought was to be my husband, my true love B. And then two years later (now) I come to find out that he had been having online web cam girl relationships "with 100's of girls" on the internet and was/is financially supporting one of them. If you see Barebonebacon on your screen, run the fuck away. 
* Lived in a huge, expensive two bedroom, two bath, two living room, laundry room, kitchen, back porch, blah blah blah apartment and am now in the process of moving in to a one bedroom one bathroom third floor walkup; and i couldnt be happier.




I am ready to leave this place. I want to just throw it all down and say "Ok, Maryland. You WIN!" My heart feels like it cannot get any more dramatic and pathetic for me. You walk around trying to be a good person and do the "right" things. I listen to Neil Young "Heart of Gold" and i think "exactly." 

You put all your eggs in one basket and the basket keeps getting knocked out of your hand. With B, I didn't even WANT a relationship. He treated me so well in the beginning and I just felt so connected to him because we had met when we were younger (15,16) and had never had the chance to be together because dun dun DUN I had to leave Texas and move back to Maryland. I thought "Ok he is nothing like D, I am allowed to be happy and feel love and I'm worth it." and now fast forward all the way to today and what i would GIVE to whisper in my own ear "Don't go see him, just because fate brought him to Maryland it does not mean shit." The world is such a funny place now, with the internet. I feel empty inside. Not bad, like barren, but empty, like someone just took the trash out of my trash can. 


I am going to give her another year. Maryland can have one more year of my life. If the world doesn't end and I wake up on May 28th 2013, I will be packing a uhaul and heading back west to my life I left in Utah. A life in the mountains, with no car, with fresh air, with creeks and rattlesnakes. With old, good friends and Burts and Blue Plate and State Street. I feel healed and safe next to the Great Salt Lake. I feel alive with my toes warm in the springs in Meadow. I want to buy a home there and be a Rec Therapist and have my cat and dog and not work on the weekends and spend time with Oma. 


I get so angry when I think about how duped I feel. He is the one with the problem, I am the one driving over an hour every Saturday morning to Clarksburg to attend COSA meetings. It makes me furious that he let me believe his lie for so long. I should be grateful that it didn't last that long in the grand scheme of things; and i should know better that just because something looks good on paper and to everyone else around me, DOES NOT mean that it it bullshit proof. Nothing in this life is bullshit proof. 

So I guess I get to be angry for awhile. Angry but getting therapy. I just hope that when Chris Hansen asks B why he felt the need to visit an underage girls house for sex, that B remembers me saying "You are going to be on TV one day and then you are going to go to jail and I will be somewhere warm and comfortable with my children watching you throw your life away."