Ok, but why?

Parties make me happy. They make me stressed and then they make me happy. I'm definitely having problems with myself right now but the over-indulgent little wench I am right now has no issue with skipping school (and dropping all but one of my classes), staying at home, painting, sleeping and netflixing all day. I barely even work at Starbucks anymore. I'm fucking depressed but if throwing this Halloween party will get me excited then good golly I will grasp it with both hands. I could cry over how ambivalent I am right now. I wanted to be the girl with the most cake and now I am and I have been and I'm miserable. I need a real fucking job, not just serving coffee. Even the customers know I am not supposed to be there. I need to sleep. It's 2am and I am awake. No song to sing, not light to hold.