Feel Better

I'll feel better

When I get up to pee

And feed the cat 

And give her two units of insulin 

So I can go back to sleep.

I'll feel better

When I put the water on to boil

And it's screaming relaxes into a hiss

As it's changing the composition 

Of the the coffee crystals. 

I'll feel better 

When I find something to wear

That doesn't make me look fat

But let's me be fat

And look good too.

I'll feel better

When I see the lumbering metal orthotope on wheels

Coming down the street 

And I get in and there is a place for me

So I don't have to stand squished 

Next to the businessman 

Who can't keep his eyes away.

I'll feel better 

When the day is over

And I can peel off my leggings 

And smoke weed on the couch 

And drink cold soda water

And think about my life

Like it's written in stone 

Instead of in the sand.

I'll feel better 

When I get into bed

And my cat follows suit

And wants to lay next to me, purring

Like she feels better too. 

I'll feel better

When I put in my earplugs 

And lather my chest in essential oils 

And pull my eyemask down 

And forget about what it would take for me 

To just feel better. 

Corona Comma Constant

Where do your eyes fall when you look at me? When you walk in  I wind up the tape in order to record the next three hours. There's a flea in my ear. It whispers "you're foolish for liking him" and "he's not for you." All the seconds sprinkle whole minutes into moments and sheet out into hours and the finished product remains the last m o m e n t  we are together. Side glances and the way you stand so close over me. You standing around me today, when I was shelving, I could tell you were watching me. I could tell. I don't want to fail you. I want to sit in your car and listen to Mazzy Star. Racing against you, the way you smell fills me up like warm milk in a jug. I want you to swagger around me, I want to meet your friends, I want to go where you go.

Mein Professor

I am irritated that I don't have my notes here to copy-type my evidence of you. All of a sudden I got really tired. 

Shifting uncomfortably

What am I trying to say? I'm scared I'll touch you. 

The other six days of the week are unecessary.

Everyone knows my name it feels like, except you. 

Moon set 

All alone

Listening to the heart throb hurt love music of this generation 

 Cut crystals 

Stab my heart

Vibrating skin

What is there to say? 

Spoiler alert: nothing, nothing and more nothing

Lay alongside me 

Not touching 

Knowing you're there

Is enough

I think

Ode to someone I do currently like

I'm trying

You can't say I'm not

You smell 

Like mint gum and maleness and old spice

Or something

And the air of you just titters me 

Makes me flighty and dumb.

I think you think that

About me, you think I'm dumb.

I'm pretty, I know that but I don't know if you know that.

Do you?

I'm pulling your thread

Trying to unravel the mystery 

That embroiders you. 

You tell me nothing until you tell me everything. 

I'm trying I'm trying

To get at you, get right pressed up to you.

Looking at all of those beard hairs like individuals

Wondering how good you smell on the surface of your flushed skin.

Wondering if I could maybe love you

Because I can like all day 

But I have to be taught to love all night. 

Ode to someone I don't really like anymore

Today

You worked

And I tried not to look

Because looking would have been a lie.

A rouse

To watch your hands

And weed through the hairs 

On your wrist

Like I was hiding, rifle in hand 

Full Metal Jacket

Stalking up your arms

On guard

Ascending the bergs that must mean I've reached the peak

Of your shoulders

Bony landmarks

Flank the roughness of a neck

Blood surging, do you know? 

I'm at your ear asking 

My verbs are veiled 

But what I would say in secret

Let me show you my proof 

I've watched your hands

Enough to know what they can do. 

I Think I Hate You

I'm scared you soured me
Lemon juice and buttermilk
Your face brings pangs
of fear
anger
desire
guilt.

I'm scared I'm soured
Fruit left out in the heat
growing new life
but no longer wanted
regardless.

I cannot recall the last time I felt fresh
not maxi pads or batches of cookies
but unknowing
ignorant
and full of possibility
without the awareness
that age
hurt
and heartbreak brings.

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