At Home in The World

Dear Diary,


I talked to a man today. I thought about my future. I thought about how lucky I am, really, and how I am going to do so many things in my life and I won't be afraid of losing people or being alone or even not taking chances on people I think are worth it. As long as there is music and nature and chamomile tea and smiles and baby kitties and fireplaces and photographs I will be alive and free. I love my hair, my skin, my lips and hips and breasts. I love my blue eyes and ears and wrists. Freckles and giggles and fevers and eyelashes. I feel another palm leaf growing out of me, out of my heart. I want to see him, talk to him more. I want him to tell me again that he wants to see me. talk to me.

love,

rebecca

Take me there

I want to speak lots of different languages. I want to take the train to Haarlem and drink caffe lattes while wearing pretty ruffled dresses at a cafe on a cobbled street. I want to wander and smile at strangers. I want to buy flowers at the bloomenmarkt just because; maybe make a wreath of them for my hair and lay in the sunshine. I want to see Franz Hals again, see his plump girls. I want to walk around Berlin in scarves and leather gloves and riding boots. Tapping my fingers on the door of the uBahn. Shopping for expensive chocolates at KaDeWe. Old gold and dusty books on the flea market walk before the Bode and Pergamon. I want to hold hands with my Eastern European husband that is right this minute looking out his window and writing poetry while sipping schnapps; wondering where his auburn haired American mermaid is. She is swimming in her mind, collecting all of her seashells an priceless pearls and preparing to take herself to Germany, land of her Mutti's Mutter. I can feel the golden cold, grölsh and gothic. I know she waits for me, I know she will welcome me, protect me. I will always have my American home...but now I am ready for my German one. 

No such thing

I'm just this piece of play doh, squeezing myself into fun shapes using the mold maker. Hearts and stars, circles and triangles. It smarts like hell you know. You can look at yourself in a fun house mirror a hundred times and you'll look different every single time. How do you know when you are the person you thought you were meant to be? I have everything I want for now. What else is there? A friend of mine went skydiving recently and I just can't get over how terrifyingly free that must feel. What do you think about? I wonder how many times you need to jump out of a plane before you decide you are bored of it. I hope that reincarnation is real. I imagine that jumping out of a plane is right next to being born into this world. 

I want to

I wasn't even going to go at first. I hate that bar and NoNo knows that. When we met it wasn't like bells and whistles and fireworks. I once read that if you hear those things you should probably get your head checked. We left and went to Wife's and you were there!! No told me you had asked about me and she told you we would be there and then you left and went straight over to wait for us. You are so interesting and I loved hearing you talk about your work and it was refreshing to converse with someone who understood that public service is integral to a functioning society. You watched me talk, watched my lips. I could sense you wanting to touch me, a fingertip or the press of my thigh. And how you took my hand and held it. And how you kissed me in such a way that I can't recall being kissed like that. Your hands down my back and to my waist and pressing further to feel my ass. Outside, in front of Palace Meats. I started to walk away and you pulled me back to you. I haven't felt so romanced since forever. I'm so mean usually, I'm so "stay back" and I don't want to be that way to you. I want to be this beautiful sweet girl that is waiting under the surface. I had no claws for you, you were just such a gentleman and so nice and handsome and you have a job and a car and friends and hobbies and I feel excited about you. I wish you were here right this fucking minute and I could feel the strength of your arms around me and the weight of your insanely tall body against me. I want it so badly and yet I'm titillated by the slowness of it all. That kiss...your mouth is so plush.  I could have let you touch me other places. You can hold me all night, hold me forever. 

Lonesome Dove

Things I do when I'm alone:

I. Domestic chores:
   a. cleaning
       1. bathroom
       2. light fixtures
       3. bre's hookah
   b. organizing
       1. turning the dark, cold dungeon into a bright, warm office and guest room
   c. cooking/ baking
        1. strawberry shrub soda
        2. meatballs (which were fucking amazing, pecorino romano is the secret)
II. Obsessing
    a. hand washing and lotioning
        1. It isn't a "my hands are dirty" thing, it's a "I want to use every lotion I have" thing.
    b. masturbation
    c. watering my plants and checking the leaves
    d. checking to make sure the oven is turned off
        1. I am afraid the knobs are on and leaking gas
    e. checking the locks on all the doors, even the ones in the house
    f. making sure the damper is closed on the fireplace
III. Working
   a. steaming milk
        1. The plunge
        2. The scream
        3. The paper tearing
        4. The froth
        5. The muffle
        6. The click
        7. The pour
   b. engaging customers
        1. seeing old regulars
        2. picking new crushes
   c. beverages
        1. Rebecca's Ruby Slipper: Iced Venti H20 5 pump raspberry 1 pump peach Passion Tea
        2. Hug in a Cup: short breve toffee nut white mocha with caramel drizzle
        3. Skinny Girl: Iced or hot grande skinny cinnamon dolce latte with sprinkles
        4. Dick in the Ass: Iced single venti vanilla iced coffee with room, top with a touch of heavy whipping cream and cinnamon.
  

I'm too tired to finish, maybe later.
        

Electrified

I was sitting on the couch earlier this evening watching Whodunnit? with Bre. We heard and saw this unbelievable boom and flash and it literally looked and sounded as if a bomb went off. We looked out the window and I saw flickering behind the tree and I knew it was on fire. We ran outside and down to the back and sure enough there were flames up above. They were burning the power lines and you could hear this sickening zapping sound and showers of sparks fell to the ground. It had been raining and a branch fell from a higher up tree and snapped a line from the transformer, causing the arc of electricity. The fire department eventually showed up and the power company too. The other half of the condo building had their power blown out but luckily ours stayed on; True Blood was on! 

Eat

Vanilla Rooibas tea

0 % Greek yogurt

Raw honey

Strawberry rhubarb pie

Champagne

Blue Stilton

Portabello

Wagyu beef

Lemon

Seltzer water

Fish tacos

Beer

Sweet potato fries

Vosges chocolate

Raspberries

Oatmeal

Cashews

Cottage cheese

Orzo

Lemon roasted chicken

Maryland steamed crab

Cheese soufflé

Honey baked ham

Popcorn

Toffee

Fireball whiskey

Fried oysters

Hot dogs from the ballpark

Candied walnuts

Latkes

Mashed potatoes and brown gravy

Grilled cheese and avocado sandwich

Creamy tomato soup

Water

Ice cream

Sausage

Tito's vodka

Root beer

Grilled pizza

Goat cheese

Pears

Broccoli cheese soup

Rosé hips

Bran flakes

Milk

Lamb gyros

Feta cheese

Roast beets

Tom Ka Gai 

Pasta Carbonara

Parmesan

Turkey with cranberry sauce

Zucchini

Bagels

Peanut butter cheesecake

Marcona almonds

Maryland crab soup

Enchiladas

Pineapple and sour cream

Onion frittata

Chicken and waffles

Pulled pork

Spicy BBQ sauce

Coleslaw

Deviled eggs

Chocolate banana bread

Spinach

Biscuits and country gravy

Plum cake

Chicken en croute

Chocolate covered strawberries

Goat cheese stuffed peppadew peppers