Facebook, caulk and other shit that is keeping me awake

I went cold turkey off of FB back in May and just recently tuned back in so I could look up a phone number of a local friend I wanted to connect with. I assumed I would feel a sense of community being "back on" now but I don't, in fact: I feel like shit about it. I hate it. I really hate how lonely and sad FB makes me feel. I read old conversations with ex lovers, friends and family and it's like bitter fruit with no respite of sweetness. The time I spent away wasn't anything glamorous or enlightening; it just felt clean and my conversations were forth rite and in person. I slept soundly knowing there were no messages to be checked, no one waiting to talk to me. I did check the profile of the boy I jilted though. He was too sweet for me, I would have taken him through the ringer and hell and would have destroyed his soul as well as his faith in women and love. He has no idea the favor I did for him by turning away from his affections. There is one man (as far as all the men i have been with) on the planet who can even begin to understand the labyrinth of nagging, demands, emotions and fighting that I will put the lesser sex through in order to make my point/get my way/make him understand. Lord knows that even then, he is still too weak to truly love me and let me just fucking love him back. Anyway.

I went to Lowes today to find some sulfuric acid for my drain fly problem and it only took about five minutes before I was looking at paint samples and deciding I would rip out and re-caulk the bathtub, paint the water closet, clean the vent and install a chandelier in the bathroom. It's not like I have anything else to do. I re-potted alllll of my house plants this afternoon and it was truly gratifying and relaxing. My living room looks more and more like a scene out of Cinema Verite' sans macramé. I walk in my front door in complete awe that yes, I live here and yes, I own this place. It is both delicious and terrifying at the same time. I never thought I would care about the most taxing of home repair projects, but I do. The only truly irritating thing are the pigeons. They scratch on the roof all damn night and it sounds like someone is walking around and scratching right above my bed. Come 5am you can here their "coo cooo coo" and I want to shoot them with a gun with every fiber of my being. I'm exhausted; the pigeons don't care. I wish it were morning, for an unemployed person who has been emotionally black listed from her chosen profession in the city of Salt Lake I sure am excited for the days offerings. I have been writing more, reading a looot more, and focusing on using my unemployment to pay off my credit cards in full before school starts in August. There is a light and it never goes out. 

Lets get out of here

I paid my mortgage this morning and felt all giddy and homeowner-y and happy and then I came home to drain flies in my bathtub. It is a bitch to get rid of drain flies and so far nothing has worked. This is the part where it sucks being the landlord. When the toilet broke (twice!) I had to only pay a small fraction of what it would have cost to get a plumber on a Sunday because of my home warranty. Will I have this to fall back on forever? No. Not working has let a restlessness settle on my heart. I want to get up and get in my car and drive to California, or Mexico or Canada. I want to do something and not nothing. I want to pull an Christopher McCandless and get the fuck away. I feel sad and akward that I cannot let boys get close to me romantically. My skin crawls at the thought of anyone touching me and yet I miss it. 

It was so akward

It was uncomfortably akward and the silence was obnoxious. I'm not attracted to him and I wasn't feeling particularly conversational today. I know he was wanting to be agreeable and do what I want but that is not (in actuality) what I want/need. It was fucking akward and unnerving when he kissed me because I decided I didn't want him to. I should have just said right then and there that I was not emotionally there...I don't think I'll be emotionally ready ever. My pangs are for someone entirely different. I want to be free and easy and have a nice time but we just didn't click. He is also deathly allergic to cats and couldn't stop talking about his exes and their kids/cats/hang ups.  I'm not into it, not into him. I can hold off on buying new underwear now I guess. 

Pearls.gold's wishlist

I feel absolutely sick over these earrings. They are the epitome of me and perfectly suit me as a woman (and would look divine hanging from my lobes). I got all excited and then actually spit up a little when I saw the $$$. 

How could I live with myself for spending four months of mortgage payments on a pair of earrings...and yet.

 

I would, if I could. 

If anyone gets any ideas, they are for sale on Gilt.com

Just sayin. 

Oh boy

I can't stop smiling. The blush on my cheeks is rosy and flattering. I feel silly and girly and giddy. Kisses fresh on my lips; he dropped off my library books. I had a nice time. My gender role wasn't an issue and I could buy a drink or two. I loved that we went to Mandate and I loved our eye glasses rubbing together. He reminds me of a Crumb character. I want to watch Twilight Zone with him and giggle. I like that he is nice, he let me talk. I was so nervous and had just plucked a long grey hair out of my widows peak; I felt slightly vulnerable. I am proud of myself, honestly. I wasn't afraid and it was actually nice and...different. I bought two new prints at the art show we went to. 

Add this to the list

June 20, 2013

Ammendments:

I. Cell phone

  a. Working order

  

II. First dates

   a. First encounters are to be conducted locally so that I may leave anytime I want. 

   b. If you can't come and pick me up or at least escort me to the destination then forget it. 

III. Car

   a. The importance of a vehicle or means of transportation is based solely on my personal experiences of having to constantly drive my boyfriend everywhere. I haven't dated a guy with his own car since I was 16; I'm tired of being the chauffeur. 

These ammendments and addendums are true in nature and of mild to moderate importance. 

122 weeks ago

I had a blast last night. Really, I did. I am staying up late because I can and that is something the unemployed are privy to. I can't wait for school to start but I know I'll be kicking myself later on and wishing I had more free time. The difference between working full time and going to school full time is with the latter you are serving someone else and the other allows you to serve yourself. I need to relate to people on a more personal level and not have it be in a stressful work environment. I wish them well, I really do. 

I painted my nails this spoiled rich bitch green 

That is an akward looking hand. The polish is #571 by Revlon.