All I need

I dreamt about the most amazing kiss. A mouth masterpiece to trump all losses, it was amazing. I want to be held and touched and gazed at and and and. The feeling that my stomach gets; the uneasy "OMG." I can't get away from it, I want it. These lips are plush and waiting for the key-mouth to just thrust in and unlock this ice cold block. My cards read so well and yet I am still just as frigid a bitch as ever. 

I wish I was as daring as 16. I would just go over to your house and thank Gawd for a reason to see you again. I really loved you. I really fucking loved you and could have and would have taken care of you until I was physically incapable. 

I would have held you and desired you and needed only you to feel complete. "In the night time we are found. Misty sorrow swoop unbound, whisper you mean it, say you'll stay. Hold my heart till brighter days." I wanted you to dance on my throne. Will I ever find this they call "Good Love?" 

Yay!

I got my tickets!!! 

So Happy I Could Die 2...

I fucking did it. I bloody fucking mother shit ass hole fucking kick-over-a-trash can did it. Almost one year here and I'm going to be an unemployed full time SLCC student. I hadn't realized how close I was to finishing in Baltimore. I figured I wouldn't get the opportunity to finish what I had started in 2010. I thought I would be tied down and then I remembered the only person that can tie me down is me and I cut this bitch loose last year. I'm tired of the ongoing nonsense that is my job and I am tired of the eye-rolling bad decisions that keep getting made and I am at the top of my game (so to speak) for what I can do with the education I have. The life raft that is my experience is slowly sinking under the weight of my demands for better wages, hours and working conditions. I can no longer get by on my good looks and sharp wit.
Bre said that when I graduate from college I can have a High School Prom themed graduation party. I am going to rent out a gym from the YWCA and literally have the prom I never had. There will be balloon garlands for photo ops, spiked punch and 90's dance music. The idea of this is worth another three years of school in order to get my BS. What will I do without my ball and chain career (which is sad because I love this work)? Who will pay my mortgage? I don't know, and frankly, I don't really care. I know it will work out and this is just another leap off the high dive and by now I am so fucking good at it there is barely a splash. Hanging on to jobs and relationships that are going no where and offer no emotional support for me are more easy to ditch than ever. I won't be hounded, silenced, belittled or made to feel less than what I know I am. Never has anyone accused me of being a door mat and I refuse to start now. So...I will hope for the best and prepare for the better. The bills will get paid somehow and I will continue to surprise myself, how nice.

My date to my graduation Prom

My perfect dress!!!

Jackpot

I spent Saturday afternoon with a dear old friend and her beautiful brand new baby girl. We went to the Acorn Antiques Show in Weber County. It was so much fun to bring the baby along and hear all the townsfolk coo over her admiringly. I loved carrying her around in that vest!

That is cream soda in my hand by the way

We encountered many interesting people who felt the need to give my friend every last piece of their mind when it came to babies. She was a regular celeb and with it comes the shit like what the dealer (who sold me a jackpot pair of clip- on earrings) shared: "I can smell your  breast milk." It is a strange thing to say, is it not?

 Anyway, here are the earrings.

We carried on in our journey; I made a point to have this sweet baby model every piece of rhinestone jewelry I could find. We then decided to take a break for lunch where we made our way to Javier's. 

I need someone to burp me like this after I eat

 When our diapers were changed and the spit up wiped off we headed back to the show. We were lucky enough to come upon Gladys Goose. She is a temperamental little bitch and her mother has a side arm (which should tell you something about northern Utah). She wouldn't let me pet her but for a moment and then she nibbled at my gold ID bracelet. 

Gladys Goose with her gun-toatin' mama

We were exhausted afterwards, if her face doesn't just say it all.

I'm tired Aunt ReRe

                                            

Speechless

The wax on my fire sprinkler has reached its melting point. The jets of water are a half a second from spewing forth enough force to knock a girl to her knees and leave her feeling blindsided and soaked through. I remember when I felt this afraid. I remember when this uncertainty crippled me mentally, emotionally. The headaches, the twitching eye lids, the pervasive fear of what was over the edge. I have cut my nose off to spite my face before, and I say I grew a better looking nose back. But can I get away with it again? Now? Maybe this time it's my ear, or lips or twitchy eyelid? I quit Starbucks and it made my career take on a whole new existence, it changed me, made me confident and sure. Can I quit my job and go to school full time? In 3 years I will have my BA in Recreation Therapy if I want to, I really could. Hearing myself say it out loud and then thinking "I could do this." makes me cry. I sob and weep and carry on like I haven't in awhile. I can't believe it could be really true, I can do this and just like everything else I can do this myself. I could take a year off to get my AA and then matriculate and before you can say "alumni" I'll be doing what I came here to do, for keeps this time. I have reached the pinnacle of where I can go and what I can do here until I finish school. I'm moving too fast for even me now, I am scaring myself with how quick I adapt. Is this the scariest thing I will have done this far? Maybe. Leaving Starbucks after six years was pretty fucking heavy. Quitting the work force all together is...unspeakable. Do people with mortgages do things like this? How do they survive? It's all so emotional for me, this yearning and completeness I know will be there for me is the true oasis in this desert of my "career." The tears come, the years feel like nothing. I spent four years watching my brother achieve his young ambition and now it will finally be ok for me to let go and fall straight into the uncertainty that I make a point never to experience. I thrive on knowing, I am a clairvoyant for everyone but myself. My cards say I have the ship, anchor, heart, lilies, clouds, fox, park, star, and key. They are just symbols on cards. My life is like a Chinese fan opening up. My life is like Esther Williams in Ziegfeld Follies. My life is like a cat o nine tails. My life is like a broken magic 8 ball. It is decidedly so. 

Land Locket

The Great Salt Lake is a tease. You get there and it smells salty like the ocean, there are a million seagulls and sailboats bobbing; but it's a sham. To look at a map of the U.S. is to see just what a promise a lake of this magnitude holds. It makes you feel like you do live next to the ocean...if the ocean had no sharks and starfish and whales and dolphins and seals and seahorses and mermaids. Nothing can truly survive in it's waters with the exception of brine shrimp. There is a special bird though, Wilson's Phalarope, that uses the GSL as it's staging ground, apparently the biggest in the world. I wish I could live on Antelope Island. I wish I knew not of the modern world as it is right now and I wore skins and made fossil necklaces. I wish I lived close to the ocean again, or had a small summer home on the Chesapeake Bay or a cabin in Vancouver. I once thought I was going to get to live in Whidbey Island again, for a brief synapse of time. I want all the natural elements. I want the mountains I want the naked sea I want the thrushes in the ponds with fish and turtles and snakes and frogs. I want the threat of fire season coupled with crippling winters. I want a fishing village i want a snowy chalet with a pitched roof. I want all the stars and sunsets and moonrises and morning glory. I just want the ocean again. I need to hear it with my own ears. I contemplate the disaster that would be me flying into Baltimore and renting a car for a two hour drive to the beach I feel is mine just to stand there on the shore in the middle of the night and 

and


wish I had the black cotton blanket with the different colored triangle patches quilted in so I could lay on it and look at the night sky and listen to the lapping waves licking up on the sand; the sound of dogs howling in the distance. I got what I wanted, I have what I came here for. My heart always wants the most, wants the utmost of what I think I can make true. I could rent this place. easily. I could move again. I want to go where LIW lived when her family left the prairie. They lived in a dugout covered with sod next to a creek with a swimming hole. I could do that, I could build a place like that. Soda Springs. That's where it will be.

and

I am living at the bottom of prehistoric Lake Bonneville which was just a really shallow sea. I am a mermaid living at the bottom of a dried up sea.

Un-sweetened

It's so hot in my room right now it's ghastly. I was hoping the high pressure system would grant us some reprieve from the day, but no. I spent the afternoon with Oma drinking mimosas and eating the most delicious pasta carbonara I have ever had in my life. My car is back in the shop for the rear wheel bearings again and the front strut. Oma asks why I don't buy a new car and give my dad the Cabrio. How nice of her to think I can afford that. I'm a single woman making pennies to pay a mortgage, HOA fees, three credit cards, home owners insurance, car insurance, cable/Internet, and the electricity. Not to mention gas, groceries, baby kitty, and money to go out and drink when I feel frisky. It's a wonder I can afford to live the way I do now besides even pretending like I could afford a new car. She's delusional, just like when she thought I could offer $104k for a condo with a $142k asking price. Just plain ridiculous. The heat! The heat...I'm listening to The Troggs "With A Girl Like You" and I want someone to kiss me on the mouth in this heat, just to do it. My windows are all open and I can hear so much happening in the night. Someone is watching Seinfeld and talking on the phone. There is also music, I don't know where from. I can smell food cooking and perfume. Baby K is licking my knee, probably the salt from my sweat. There is no breeze, just hot stagnate air. I think about East Canyon, Dimple Dell. How cool the water would feel, night air soothing my frazzled nerves. I can't wait to go camping. I can't wait to swim in the Pontneuf, soak in the cold spring. I have to remind myself it's only a few more weeks. You have never felt so clean and alive until you jump stark naked into a 40 degree cold spring on a 104 degree day; there simply is nothing like it. The water is clear and the pool is almost 20 feet deep. You can see all the way to the rocky bottom. I want to close my eyes and jump in, open them under water. The last time I was there we had swam naked for an hour and when I got out I cut my knee on the volcanic rock. I put my black jean skirt on and looked for something to clean the wound with. All we had was our clothing, a blanket and a bottle of vodka. I poured a little on the cut and bit my tongue through the burn. Those pictures of me are priceless I'm sure, topless in the grass, jean skirt riding up with a bloody knee and a bottle of vodka. One for the camping history books I suppose. 

It's hard being baby k with her best fur coat on in this heat.