Petite Mort II

1. Daniel- bat for lashes

Because it's the perfect opener, it conveys the mood and sets the stage for the luscious heartbreak and lust that comes after this song ends.

2. Heartbeats- the knife 

Edgy, different. This song puts me in a mood and makes me feel sexy and aware of my surroundings. 

3. Closer- tegan & sara

The lyrics say it all..."I won't treat you like you're oh so typical."

I get cloudy in the order after this...

4. Rill Rill- sleigh bells 

I'm a teenager again, I'm sharing this feeling with you because I want you to understand me and how I felt when I was 16 and knew it all. 

5. Valentine- Fiona apple

There is a hurt in me and yet I still fall in love; I'm a tulip in a cup. 

6. Under your spell- desire

It's the eighties and we are meeting by the bleachers and maybe we'll kiss and maybe we won't but you can be sure I'll be writing in my diary about you.

7. Genesis-grimes

I'm experimental and i think you might be too.

8. Extraordinary Machine- fiona apple 

I can't be smoted, I know who I am. Know that. 

9. Our hearts are wrong- Jessica Lea mayfield 

This is clearly you and me and we. Could it ever work? My self esteem is heating up the room, you're intimidating as all hell but I ain't scared of you.

10. Marilyn - bat for lashes

It's so heartbreakingly beautiful 

11. Scotty- pure bathing culture

Again, it's the 80's but this time we are sitting in your car listening to a tape not touching. You tell me I'm pretty and I smell like Baby Soft and bubblegum. I get the courage to look at you and you look at the same time and we just go for it. Our tongues touch and I yearn for more but don't know how to express it.

12. Christmas time is here- VGT 

It is now. We are almost thirty. It's snowing and it just happens naturalich. We are meant for eachother in that we have this beautiful understanding. The snow protects us. I think I might really care for you. 

Petite Mort

I'm uncertain and afraid. I hope it is snowing when he comes in. I'm calm and confident. It's just a mixtape. Why is music so deeply personal to me? Will he listen to the Vince Guaraldi Trio and curse my name? It's just notes and tones and sometimes singing. I realized after the fact that all my music was girls singing. Will it get put in the glove compartment; lost for months until he needs his registration? Our brief encounters. Akward and cute. What did he do tonight? I want to tell him I came home, made shrimp and white cheddar grits that were out of this world. I watched Spirited Away and relaxed in a way I don't get to do often. I imagine him walking into a very large room filled with people and he would scan the crowd and see me and laser in on my gaze. I need to practice my math. 

At Home in The World

Dear Diary,


I talked to a man today. I thought about my future. I thought about how lucky I am, really, and how I am going to do so many things in my life and I won't be afraid of losing people or being alone or even not taking chances on people I think are worth it. As long as there is music and nature and chamomile tea and smiles and baby kitties and fireplaces and photographs I will be alive and free. I love my hair, my skin, my lips and hips and breasts. I love my blue eyes and ears and wrists. Freckles and giggles and fevers and eyelashes. I feel another palm leaf growing out of me, out of my heart. I want to see him, talk to him more. I want him to tell me again that he wants to see me. talk to me.

love,

rebecca

Take me there

I want to speak lots of different languages. I want to take the train to Haarlem and drink caffe lattes while wearing pretty ruffled dresses at a cafe on a cobbled street. I want to wander and smile at strangers. I want to buy flowers at the bloomenmarkt just because; maybe make a wreath of them for my hair and lay in the sunshine. I want to see Franz Hals again, see his plump girls. I want to walk around Berlin in scarves and leather gloves and riding boots. Tapping my fingers on the door of the uBahn. Shopping for expensive chocolates at KaDeWe. Old gold and dusty books on the flea market walk before the Bode and Pergamon. I want to hold hands with my Eastern European husband that is right this minute looking out his window and writing poetry while sipping schnapps; wondering where his auburn haired American mermaid is. She is swimming in her mind, collecting all of her seashells an priceless pearls and preparing to take herself to Germany, land of her Mutti's Mutter. I can feel the golden cold, grölsh and gothic. I know she waits for me, I know she will welcome me, protect me. I will always have my American home...but now I am ready for my German one. 

No such thing

I'm just this piece of play doh, squeezing myself into fun shapes using the mold maker. Hearts and stars, circles and triangles. It smarts like hell you know. You can look at yourself in a fun house mirror a hundred times and you'll look different every single time. How do you know when you are the person you thought you were meant to be? I have everything I want for now. What else is there? A friend of mine went skydiving recently and I just can't get over how terrifyingly free that must feel. What do you think about? I wonder how many times you need to jump out of a plane before you decide you are bored of it. I hope that reincarnation is real. I imagine that jumping out of a plane is right next to being born into this world. 

I want to

I wasn't even going to go at first. I hate that bar and NoNo knows that. When we met it wasn't like bells and whistles and fireworks. I once read that if you hear those things you should probably get your head checked. We left and went to Wife's and you were there!! No told me you had asked about me and she told you we would be there and then you left and went straight over to wait for us. You are so interesting and I loved hearing you talk about your work and it was refreshing to converse with someone who understood that public service is integral to a functioning society. You watched me talk, watched my lips. I could sense you wanting to touch me, a fingertip or the press of my thigh. And how you took my hand and held it. And how you kissed me in such a way that I can't recall being kissed like that. Your hands down my back and to my waist and pressing further to feel my ass. Outside, in front of Palace Meats. I started to walk away and you pulled me back to you. I haven't felt so romanced since forever. I'm so mean usually, I'm so "stay back" and I don't want to be that way to you. I want to be this beautiful sweet girl that is waiting under the surface. I had no claws for you, you were just such a gentleman and so nice and handsome and you have a job and a car and friends and hobbies and I feel excited about you. I wish you were here right this fucking minute and I could feel the strength of your arms around me and the weight of your insanely tall body against me. I want it so badly and yet I'm titillated by the slowness of it all. That kiss...your mouth is so plush.  I could have let you touch me other places. You can hold me all night, hold me forever. 

Lonesome Dove

Things I do when I'm alone:

I. Domestic chores:
   a. cleaning
       1. bathroom
       2. light fixtures
       3. bre's hookah
   b. organizing
       1. turning the dark, cold dungeon into a bright, warm office and guest room
   c. cooking/ baking
        1. strawberry shrub soda
        2. meatballs (which were fucking amazing, pecorino romano is the secret)
II. Obsessing
    a. hand washing and lotioning
        1. It isn't a "my hands are dirty" thing, it's a "I want to use every lotion I have" thing.
    b. masturbation
    c. watering my plants and checking the leaves
    d. checking to make sure the oven is turned off
        1. I am afraid the knobs are on and leaking gas
    e. checking the locks on all the doors, even the ones in the house
    f. making sure the damper is closed on the fireplace
III. Working
   a. steaming milk
        1. The plunge
        2. The scream
        3. The paper tearing
        4. The froth
        5. The muffle
        6. The click
        7. The pour
   b. engaging customers
        1. seeing old regulars
        2. picking new crushes
   c. beverages
        1. Rebecca's Ruby Slipper: Iced Venti H20 5 pump raspberry 1 pump peach Passion Tea
        2. Hug in a Cup: short breve toffee nut white mocha with caramel drizzle
        3. Skinny Girl: Iced or hot grande skinny cinnamon dolce latte with sprinkles
        4. Dick in the Ass: Iced single venti vanilla iced coffee with room, top with a touch of heavy whipping cream and cinnamon.
  

I'm too tired to finish, maybe later.